Drama General

Metafiction

Feb. 15, 2019
By: LethalPianist
User Level:
Average Rating: 3.1

"...and that's how we're planning to expand our consumer base. We're projecting 200% consumer growth over the next 2 weeks, and we're very excited about the opportunities this creates."

Applause filled the room, as the speaker, a short, Asian girl stepped down. Connor's nerves got worse as his turn came closer and closer. The line that leads to the presentation space in front of the hall got shorter as another student walked up. He looked over to his business partner, sitting nonchalantly at the table. Nick gave him a thumbs up and a smile, a smile that would be much more convincing if Connor didn't know he was high as a kite right now.

Goddamn it. Connor thought to himself. This was never a good idea to start with.

It was a stupid idea, but one that came from a problem Connor had. When he jokingly mentioned it to his roommate Nick, he was uncharacteristically enthusiastic and together a business was born. They had no idea that one sale would turn into two, then tens, then hundreds. Before long Connor was in far over his head, planning new hires and expansions and venture funding. They even entered this entrepreneurship competition, but now that they were here they felt...

inadequate.

This was such a bad idea...I can't do this. Connor fretted in his mind as the line got shorter and shorter.

"And finally, welcome, Coronary Crepes!" The cheery instructor announced.

Fuck.


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Interesting but check grammar!
metafrick rated this work:

Feb. 22, 2019, 11:03 a.m.

I recommend revisiting your use of commas, as I felt some of them were unnecessary in parts.

I am personally wary of using ellipsis in fiction, as I feel like comes off as a bit juvenile and unprofessional. I think your piece would be stronger if you just said "inadequate" instead of adding a line break, as it brings the reader out of it.

Good use of showing Connor's inner thoughts! Since we know what is going on his head, his body language could emphasize his nerves too, perhaps sweating or nervously tapping his foot.

This is a short but intriguing piece and I'd love to read more, especially what Coronary Crepes is about!

Grammar

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Well written, but not a story.
cereed27 rated this work:

March 15, 2019, 5:27 a.m.

Unless I'm missing something, and something this short that makes me feel like I'm missing something makes me read between lines.

So here goes...

The title means it's self-aware. So this is about the class that birthed this site? Fun! And the narrator is high and he likes crepes and so started a crepe business that somehow broke through an already saturated crepe market? And this was after the prolitfic people presented? Tough act to follow! Especially when the proof misreads the presenter's name as "Coronary." How embarrassing. But a good enough joke to finish the story O'Henry style. But that of course means it's not a crepe business, but another name misreading, which again makes me wonder what robust business, with exponential profits, that Conner has devised. Now I feel high too, and that kind of tactile, emotional response is all a writer can hope for these days. So, bravo!

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Unexpected, but Great!
haeun_logos rated this work:

Feb. 18, 2019, 5:17 p.m.

One thing that I often look for when looking at stories is pacing and length - often times I find that the narrative becomes convoluted in the length of the plot. This is not the case for your story - I was very pleasantly surprised to find that it was short and concise: you do a wonderful job communicating Connor's feelings through his train of thought (well put in italics). The inner conflict is very clear and it's something that I connected with - you did a great job making that conflict accessible to the reader.

Concision is your strength; your story packs a punch. However - it'd be nice to have some extra details about the entrepreneurship competition and the business idea that Connor and Nick had (and also its conception).

The use of adjectives/descriptors could also be edited. For example: instead of, "Applause filled the room, as the speaker, a short, Asian girl stepped down," you could try, "Applause filled the room as a short Asian girl stepped down from the stage" or "A short Asian girl had just finished presenting and wild applause filled the room as she stepped down from the stage."

Perhaps something to that effect.

I can't wait to hear more from you! Excellent work!

Plot Pacing Point of View Conflict Voice Show Don't Tell Concision

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Examination of Craft Elements
Flounce rated this work:

Feb. 21, 2019, 9:40 p.m.

Metafiction is a literary story about a young man who dreads speaking about his business venture. The author’s skillful use of dialogue, setting, and pacing makes the story a success.

The author’s use of dialogue to begin the story is a wonderful took to hook the reader. The dialogue also prepares the reader for the setting as well as providing a great foundation for the last line of dialogue toward the end of the piece.

Describing the setting from Connor’s point of view, put the reader in the moment. Knowing Connor’s thoughts helps the reader empathize during the great emotional arc build. The reader feels what he feels as he goes from slightly nervous to extremely nervous to “I cant do this” to panic at the end.

In revisions, the author may want to consider using active voice more often in this piece. The author may want to consider restructuring sentences ending in prepositions.

I enjoyed reading this piece and look forward to reading more stories from this author.

Setting Pacing Point of View Voice

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Metafiction Comment
Thedude3445 rated this work:

Feb. 27, 2019, 12:22 a.m.

1) I don't know how the title relates to anything else in the story unless that's for a further expansion of this snippet here.

2) Each of the dialogue/inner thought lines here are well-done and act as a good introduction that hooks the reader into whatever comes next.

3)....However... the two "big" paragraphs need some work to keep that flow going. The second paragraph needs to be more terse, more zippy so that it leads directly into the rest, rather than taking up too much of its own space by describing emotions and feelings and stuff. That can come later. Others have made grammar comments on the commas and some of the passive voice so I'll refrain.

4) I like a lot of the second bigger paragraph, in that it conveys a lot of backstory in pretty small space. Maybe too much, even. The execution still needs some punching up though; too much exposition all at once. The tension the POV character feels should be conveyed more clearly here rather than the other paragraph. Much more showing should be going on with only the briefest of backstory coming int

5) The line break for "inadequate" is weird and don't do that. Also ellipses are great, and you should use them all the time, but here it's telling not showing which isn't needed in a short intro like this one.

6) I have no idea what this story is actually going to be about! But it's a good draft that can become a great intro.

Show Don't Tell Character Motivation Grammar

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