Horror Suspense

Lost at Sea

April 17, 2019
By: DevG94
User Level:
Average Rating: 3.33

I closed my eyes and laid my head back into the water. The sun made my skin glow. The water in my ears muffled the noises around me, the people were no longer a bother. Sigh. Finally the moment of peace and solitude I have been yearning for.

When I opened my eyes, it was silent with nothing but the sun gazing back at me. Just moments ago the world was filled with people and responsibilities, now it was only me and the unrelenting beast of nature.

I suppose I have now received everything I wished for - for as long as I can remember I searched for a relaxing alternative to the hustle of city life. Fear and loneliness washed over me - for now I see all I had taken for granted.

The sun began to dip and I began to tire. I looked in every direction for something familiar, or perhaps a sign from God; any thing at all to approximate where I was or how long I had strayed. Time passed and my body yearned for nourishment. My body began to sag. I was lost, as lost as anyone had ever been.

I looked around. There was nothing in sight. It was me, the sun, the water, and the painted sky. I longed for the sound of seagulls squawking above me or for a single piece of litter to dance its way to me on the water's surface.

My only solution was to look below. I had no clue how much time had passed, or how far I had drifted, or in what direction the familiar could be found. I gathered my breath to prepare to look below. I closed my eyes. I prepared to dunk my head. I couldn’t do it. Something stopped me. A sharp pain in my back. It was not physical. It was fear of facing my destiny. My destiny had never been so limited, below the surface was a world of possibilities of both the good and the treacherous, a slope of sand just out of reach leading towards the beach or a family of sharks circling tonight's dinner.

I had never believed in God, but I suppose God was invented for a time like this. No matter the answer that lay below the surface at least I would know my future. Few things in life are more exhausting than uncertainty.

I ducked my head below to meet my destiny. An abyss stared back at me. Below was nothing, nothing but infinite darkness. I knew only one thing that I had not known a moment before: I am truly alone.


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Absolutely Breathtaking
RavenUnlikeaWritingDesk rated this work:

April 18, 2019, 10:12 p.m.

I love your descriptions! My favorite line was "I had never believed in God, but I suppose God was invented for a time like this." I can feel your passion behind your writing, and I can relate to the feeling of utter loneliness that you convey. I hope to see more from you!

Comment Rating: 3.25

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DevG94:

Hi there!

I just published my second story. It is different, so I would really appreciate your feedback. Thanks!!

http://www.prolitfic.com/story/167

DevG94:

Hi there!

I just published my second story. It is different, so I would really appreciate your feedback. Thanks!!

http://www.prolitfic.com/story/167

DevG94:

Hi there!

I just published my second story. It is different, so I would really appreciate your feedback. Thanks!!

http://www.prolitfic.com/story/167

DevG94:

Hi there!

I just published my second story. It is different, so I would really appreciate your feedback. Thanks!!

http://www.prolitfic.com/story/167

DevG94:

Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate it! I was nervous about publishing my story on here but your comment really eased the tension.

Nice start but want to know more
naricorn rated this work:

April 22, 2019, 5:18 a.m.

I know this might be intended as a reflective piece, but I would engage with it more if I knew more about the character. Enough to understand his/her decisions and/or character, at least. As it is now I'm simply reading about a character that's contemplating life. I know practically nothing about the protagonist, not gender/age/etc. I understand you might've intended the protagonist to be an "every man" of sorts, but I think that withholding a name/personality often does the character a disservice because doing so creates too much distance from the reader.

The protagonist was tired of living in a busy city and wanted to relax, but now that he/she has gotten away, he/she is lonely and afraid of this newfound solitude. Many of us could probably understand this motivation, but what makes this protagonist need to escape? What specifically happened?

I don't remember seeing any grammatical errors that distracted me, so good job there! There are also some nice descriptions of setting that evoke the senses, like "seagulls squawking above me" and "the painted sky." I'd challenge you to give more of them, so we're fully immersed like the protagonist.

Also, "destiny" manifesting in a sharp pain in the protagonist's back took me out of the story. How is the protagonist so suddenly clear of what she/he's been missing all along? It seems too neat that she immediately reaches this epiphany with not much prompting or conflict.

I do love the idea of the water's surface dividing realms of uncertainty, and I think this idea, with the confrontation of loneliness, is what you should explore in a revision. What happens after she/he realizes s/he is alone? That's where the story gets compelling and it ends right before.

Hope to see what you make of this!

Plot Conflict Character Motivation

Comment Rating: 1.0

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DevG94:

Hi there!

I just published my second story. It also reflective, but I would love your feedback. Thanks!

http://www.prolitfic.com/story/167

DevG94:

Thank you for the feedback!! I really appreciate it!