Sci-fi Adventure Fantasy Horror Family

After Humanity---01: The Remnant

June 4, 2019
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Average Rating: 3.26

 

It abruptly roamed the tall trees, crushing the blossoming lilies beneath its feet. Despite its black callous eyes scanning menacingly at the forest, and its frantic sniffing at the dew weeds below, the beast constantly ran its head against the trees around it as if it weren't aware of its surroundings.

 

Instantly enraged, the beast struck its massive arms at the environment around it, thus knocking down a tree or two. It huffed and puffed, trying earnestly to sense some sort of reac---

 

*Crack*

 

That's it! There it was!

 

Immediately did it sprint north on all fours with incredible speed. Discarding everything that it hit--only focusing on that slight movement of the organism and its location. It could already taste the fresh blood gushing in its mouth as it gritted its marine teeth. Then, as if it could sense the closeness of the organism, the beast halted; its paws sliding across the Earth.

 

It snarled in hunger, frantically sniffing around and glancing at all directions. It's naivety clouding the fact that the use of his senses was futile. The 'organism' sat in front of it, motionless and seemingly lifeless, or so the beast assumed. Upset, that the movement had ceased, its' snarls altered into a hoarse roar.

 

...

 

...

 

...

 

Nothing. The creature huffed as it turned a heel and stormed off, disappointed at its luck. It's been nearly eighteen days and still, nothing resided around the being that was edible. Nothing ALIVE that is.--

 

*clink--* *THUD*

 

A groan escaped its jaws as the sound of quick steps caught the attention of the beast. In a flash did it follow this fading sound, for most likely was its prey fleeing from it. What a nuisance this prey became during the beast's hunt; twists and turns, loops and shortcuts, slopes and mudslides--Why, it was only a matter of time until it completely lost its appetite! What halted this silly goose-chase, however, was the fact that it couldn't hear its prey anymore.

 

Thus, the cat and mouse chase was finally over.

 

Tired, though stocked with ferocity, the creature turned around and slowly walked back to where it began.

 

Meanwhile, the beast's former prey hid near the walls around it, below the beast. As it listened to its fading footsteps, it let out a sigh of relief and fell to its knees. It's only been fifteen minutes of this figure breathing and it was already being chased down by some alien! The being closed its eyes, attempting to collect its thoughts as it placed both hands upon its face...

 

Only to realize that the impact between its face and its hands were hard and metallic. Reopening its eyes, the organism noticed that its fingers, hands, and arms were made of solid metal. Or rather, solid steel. The figure subconsciously stood and faced downward at its legs - they too were made up of steel. Shaking its head in disbelief, the figure approached a small pond illuminating in the sunlight. It knelt down and examined itself thoroughly...

 

This being regarded that its whole face, upper and lower body were made of solid steel. Its eyes glowed an electric blue hue as if inside the figure was immense electricity. The color of this being held a davy's gray type that brought out it's feminine, yet exceedingly masculine physique.

 

So much so, it was quite difficult to determine whether if this being was female or male.

 

Surprised by this discovery, the automaton lifted its hand to its face as if debating whether what it was seeing was real or not.

 

'WARNING! WARNING!'

 

The figure jumped at the large crimson capitals written near on its face. Below them resided blue italicized words that followed:

 

Low Percentage Warning (15%).

 

The system will lack the maximum strength potential and shut down automatically if not restored within [30 minutes]. Please reach any object/organism storing energy before the due time. 

 

'Shut...Down?'

 

It thinks questioningly as it stared blankly at the warning. It soon went away after a minute or two, leaving the figure alone again in the grotto it stood in. It watched as the pond below its feet began propelling upwards and a loud grown of another creature just above it made the machine face the sky.

 

'Where am I?'

 


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your descriptions made me feel like I was in the forest with the beast
van rated this work:

June 10, 2019, 5:15 p.m.

When I saw that the new chapter was up, I was like, "aw yeah, more context and answers, let's read this." But nope, you're still holding out on us. The mystery has heightened! I like it; it's a good type of frustrating. What is going on? I'm really in suspense!
I hope you don't mind some suggestions...
The format is a little odd. It would make sense if this were a script, but as it is, it's a little hard to follow. It feels a little lazy to me, which is strange because everything else in this story is the complete opposite and clearly thought-out. I don't want this format to detract from someone else's experience of this really interesting story. So that's my big suggestion-- reformatting to be a little more traditional. The colors are really fun though.
Also, I recommend tightening up sentences. Some word order is funky-- like "In a flash did it follow this fading sound, for most likely was its prey fleeing from it." It'd be more natural if you something like "Its prey must be fleeing from it. It followed the fading sound in a flash."
I really like your descriptions. I felt like I was right there, especially the scene with the beast racing through the forest. You use just enough to paint the scene but not too much so the readers can have fun using their imagination. Also, the beast's voice was fun to read. I could practically see its frustration, which would be comical but somehow the way you write it has me a little scared of the beast. I hope that's what you were going for, because I'm properly scared. But also intrigued. I'm a very curious person so I hope we figure out at least some of what's going on in the next chapter! I'm excited.

Voice Diction Grammar Sentence Structure

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Work on mechanics!
naricorn rated this work:

June 9, 2019, 11:13 p.m.

Hi! Nice to see the second installment.

*The main issue I had this time was with diction. You have an extensive vocabulary, but sometimes the words you use as descriptors don't quite fit, which takes me out of the story. What's "marine teeth?"

*You also could use less adverbs for more concision! "Trying earnestly" could be something like "struggling" or "straining," and "abruptly roamed" doesn't seem to make sense as a phrase.

*Some typos, like "it's naivety"

*Are we supposed to be privy to the beast's inner thoughts like this? At the very least, I think you could do without the parts where you explicitly say things like "or so the beast assumed."

*Some tense incongruities. It's mostly past, but "it's only been fifteen minutes of this figure breathing" is an example of an inconsistency.

*Whoa, colors! Haha it's an awesome visual.

*Must you call it "the organism?" I'm sensing that it's humanoid, and if it is, could you give us more hints? I understand you might want to keep it ambiguous, but it's really hard to picture anything because "organism" is so vague and makes me think of a... frog or something.

Diction Grammar Concision

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