Hurt/Comfort

The Dark

By: ryanizadi
Dec. 3, 2018
Average Rating: 3.25
I feel like a star that flickered away A sun that cannot shine during the day A bird with wings that cannot fly I tried to be better, its just too late Maybe it signed, its sealed this fate I’m sorry for what I am I never wanted to do anything wrong I just really, only wanted to belong The only mistake is I can’t love enough I’m tired of being alone I’m tired of being in this pain Its like the same story over again Please, please don’t leave me here This is my greatest fear. I am scared of the dark.

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Has potential but too overt
naricorn rated this work:

Dec. 6, 2018, 3:42 a.m.

Interesting that you uploaded a poem--I think this site (at least analytics and writers) are more geared toward short fiction. Anyway, I think you could do a lot with this piece--just needs more development! When I read poetry, I like a piece to make me feel something. You have a good start, but for me this piece feels a bit too overt for me to enjoy. It's about a person feeling alone and sad, which is a powerful emotion to tap into, but the impact is lessened because you're just telling us multiple things you feel like without expanding on a single one. Exploring the imagery of a star flickering away or a sun that can't shine or a bird that can't fly would be so interesting! Please spend more time and care with each of those images.

"I’m sorry for what I am/I never wanted to do anything wrong/I just really, only wanted to belong" is even more just telling. What's the situation? I'd love to get more inside the narrator's head. Who is the narrator? Why does the narrator want to belong, why isn't it working, and why feel sorry for it? Where's "here?"

Also, please know that I'm not trying to discourage you! I only want to be honest and help, and I have full faith that you can make this piece amazing.

Diction

Comment Rating: 5.0

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Powerful
van rated this work:

Dec. 5, 2018, 4:11 p.m.

You've tapped into pretty deep, primal emotions here. Love it. I think my favorite line is the last-- "I am scared of the dark." It's such a common phrase, and I've said it all the time as a child, but here it takes on new meaning. The dark is not just nighttime or monsters under the bed, but the monsters in our head as well.
"The only mistake is I can't love enough" oof. You could make a poetry series on these themes and ideas.
Once formatting is fixed I'd love to read this poem again, I know formatting became wonky for this workshopping trial so it's not your fault, but I will definitely read this again how it's meant to be read, once formatting for the soft launch is fixed.
Please never stop writing poetry. This is gorgeous.

Comment Rating: 4.0

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