Horror Supernatural


March 26, 2019
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by Jude M. Eriksen


Robert had his boss by the balls. He only had to stick to the plan now and see it through to the end.

By five o’clock he’d accomplished very little in the way of real work. The same spreadsheet sat open on his desktop—the fields almost as empty as they’d been since he’d logged in that morning. Ruminating over the details of his scheme hadn’t left much time for anything else.

The email he’d sent from home Sunday evening had set the hook as intended, evidenced by the reply awaiting him in his inbox this morning. All he had to do was reel in the catch and collect his payday. As he read the brief missive from his boss again, he couldn’t help smiling.


Let’s talk about this after work today. I’m sure we can work something out.


As the other staff pulled on their coats and made their way toward the elevators, Robert lagged behind. When the last of them cleared out, he logged out of his computer and skulked down the hallway. Steeling himself for what was to come, he counted to five before knocking on the heavy oak doors leading into Dom’s office.

“Come in,” said a muffled voice.

Dom sat behind his desk, gazing through the floor to ceiling windows facing the frozen river that wound through the city like some great white snake. Snowflakes drifted down out of the darkening winter sky. They reminded Robert of dull confetti as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Pot lights mounted in the ceiling of the expansive corner office cast anemic pools of light down on the chunky hardwood floor. In the corner, a record warbled on an antique turntable. Strains of a Led Zeppelin song wafted through the air, mixing with the rank odour of the cigar Dom clasped between his fingers.

What a cliché, Robert thought. Just like a scene out of a movie. I’ll bet there’s a mirror with a pile of coke on it in his desk drawer too.

“Care for a drink?” Dom asked, gesturing toward an ornate bar cart near the record player. “I have scotch, rum, and whiskey. No mix though. I find it just pollutes the flavour.”

“No thanks, I have to drive.”

“Suit yourself,” he said, crushing his cigar out in an ivory ashtray.

Rising from his desk, he sauntered over to the cart and poured himself three fingers from one of the crystal decanters, then eased back into his plush leather chair. When he pointed to one of the empty chairs on the other side of the desk, Robert sat down.

“Well Robert, the email you sent me last night certainly is troubling. Would you mind explaining what it is you think you’ve found?”

Robert cleared his throat. He’d been practicing this speech all weekend.

“Since it was announced in September that we’d be undergoing an audit in the new year, I’ve been going through the books. I wanted to get ahead of any obvious issues before the government bean counters show up. To make a long story short, I stumbled across the way you’ve been funneling cash out of the business and putting it into those shell corporations.”

“How do you know it was me?” Dom asked, taking a sip of the amber liquid in his glass.

“Only you have direct access to all of the accounts.”

“That’s true. So, what’s your plan? I know you want something or you would’ve already gone to the authorities.”

“Twenty-five million. Half in blue chip stocks, half in cash.”

“Don’t you think that’s a tad greedy?”

“Not as greedy as you’ve been. I have evidence that you’ve siphoned at least fifty million dollars out of Black Industries in the last year alone.”

“Well it is my company.”

“It is, but the last time I checked, money laundering and tax evasion are still illegal.”

“You’ve got me there,” Dom said, gulping down the rest of his drink.

“I just want my cut.”

“And if I refuse?”

“I’ll go to the FBI, obviously. And by the way, if you’re getting any ideas about silencing me, you should know I’ve already given copies of the evidence to several confidantes. If anything happens to me, every newspaper in town will know within hours.”

“It sounds like you’ve worked out all the angles.”

Robert only sat there. He knew what he was doing.

“There’s just one little problem, though.”

“What’s that?” Robert asked. His face remained impassive, but something about the way Dom was grinning made his stomach lurch.

“Do you know what I do with that money?”

“No and I don’t care.”

“Once it’s been divorced from any connection with Black Industries, I use it for any number of personal endeavors. For example, I might supply a rogue general in some backwater country with the funds to purchase weapons so his militia can topple the local tinpot dictatorship. When the bullets stop flying, I go into business with him as part of the deal. These men who thirst for power, they’re all the same. Give them a fat bank account and a steady stream of whores and they’ll do anything to keep it flowing. Everyone has their price and most of the time it’s a lot cheaper than you’d expect.”

“So? What does that have to do with me?”

“Ask yourself this, Robert: do you think I’d do business with such unsavory people without having a way of protecting myself from the exact thing you’re trying to pull?”

Robert shifted in his chair. Stick to the plan. He’s just blowing smoke up your ass.

“Doesn’t matter, I’ve caught you red-handed. You can’t worm your way out of it, no matter what you say.”

“I don’t deny that,” Dom said, “but I could also ruin you.”

“How? You’ve got nothing on me.”

“Are you sure?”

“What do you mean?” Robert asked. His throat clicked when he swallowed against the lump that had formed there. The room was growing noticeably warmer and a faint odour of some unidentifiable smell now tinged the air, like an omen.

Dom got up and wandered over to the long bank of windows. He stood there for several seconds with his back turned as he watched traffic moving across the bridge spanning the ice-choked river.

“Have you read the bible, Robert?”

“A bit in Sunday school. Why?”

“It’s an interesting book, filled with tales of greed and betrayal.”

“So what?”

“Maybe if you’d studied it in earnest, you wouldn’t have turned into such a terrible human being.”

“Look,” Robert said, standing up. “I don’t know what you’re trying to do and I don’t care. Just give me what I want or you’re finished.”

“Sit down, Robert.”

“Listen, I—”

Before he could finish his sentence, Robert’s legs gave out and he fell back into the chair. The room grew hotter still as he tried to stand again, but his limbs wouldn’t cooperate. The inputs had been cut. He tried to speak, but his tongue was like a dead thing inside his mouth.

Dom regarded him with a mixture of pity and bemusement as the young accountant struggled.

“Aside from doing illicit business with warmongers and criminals, I also have a thing for corruption. Let me tell you: there’s few things more satisfying in life than watching people wrestle with their consciences before finally giving in to their base instincts. Murder, rape, thievery—it’s fun to set them on the path and watch them go. But it has to be drawn out for maximum effect. Push too hard and it’s over before you know it. There’s no fun in that. Playing the long game makes their downfall all the sweeter when it comes.”

Robert’s eyes bulged out as sweat trickled down the small of his back and soaked into the elastic band of his underwear. Did he hypnotize me somehow? Why can’t I move?

Dom skirted around the desk and stood over Robert as his grin spread wider, his gleaming teeth appearing far too big for his mouth.

“Do you remember when you were six years old? That time on the playground when you saw that other boy’s marbles; you wanted them, didn’t you? Especially the ones with the golden cat’s eyes mounted in the center. But you weren’t good enough to win them from him fair and square, so you stole them when he wasn’t looking. That was the first time you gave in to greed. It’s alright, you can admit it.”

Robert’s tongue loosened and he could speak again.

“How could you know that?”

“I know a lot of things about you. You could say you’ve been a subject of interest for quite some time. From the day you stole that boy’s marbles, I had my eye on you. But like a garden, just planting the seed wasn’t enough. You required regular care and feeding to ensure you grew to your fullest potential.”

From Robert’s perspective, the room tilted drunkenly to one side as the acrid stench in the air grew more pronounced. He recognized it now. It was the rotten-egg smell of burning sulfur. The heat was growing unbearable too—like being inside an oven.

“It was amusing to watch you stumble into each little trap over the years. At every turn you could have chose to resist temptation, but you didn’t. Not once. Whether it was taking money out of your mother’s purse or stealing from the collection plate at church, you just couldn’t help yourself, could you? You got even greedier when you went to university. I wonder, Robert, who do you think made it possible for you to steal all that cash from the student union discretionary fund? Who do you think orchestrated the circumstances that allowed you to blackmail your professor, when you caught him with that female student in his office? You think that was all just random circumstance?”

“How can you know all of that?” Robert said as hot tears spilled down his cheeks.

“I think you know how,” Dom said. His face glowed with soft light, like it was being lit from within. Underneath the luminous flesh, thick black veins pulsed just beneath the surface. “I think you knew the second you couldn’t get up out of that chair.”

The realization of what he was confronted with etched itself across Robert’s face as warm wetness bloomed in his crotch and ran down his legs.

“Ah, there you go. I knew you weren’t stupid. Naive perhaps, but not stupid. I wouldn’t have hired you otherwise.”

“There’s no such thing,” Robert said as watery snot dripped from his nose. “This is some kind of trick to scare me into letting you off the hook. You drugged me or something.”

“Oh, but there is such a thing, Robert,” Dom said. His voice had become grating, like slivers of glass scratching across hard stone. “There most certainly is.”

“Please, I made a mistake. Just stop this and I’ll drop the whole thing.”

“It’s much too late for that, I’m afraid. In all honesty, I abhor resorting to these unsubtle displays,” Dom said, his leering grin growing ear-to-ear, “but sometimes it’s the only way to get through to people. You know Darlene from marketing, right? I came to her last year with some ideas of how she might rise in the company. Unfortunately, she didn’t like my suggestions much and decided to quit. That same night those three animals raped her in the alley right across the street. I wonder how that filthy sock they jammed in her mouth tasted?

“No doubt you heard about that. What you probably didn’t know is that she found herself with child three months later. When she came crawling back to me after her short-term disability ran out, I sent her to a doctor friend of mine. Once the fetus had been removed, she returned to us. I doubt she’ll ever try to leave me again. Just to make sure, though, I also gave her a glimpse of my true form. The look on her face was almost as priceless as yours is now. The point being: no one escapes once I’ve set my sights on them.”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Why?” Dom said, imitating Robert’s sniveling voice. “I do it because I can—because I want to. Why should there be any greater reason than that? This is the bitter pill you apes can never swallow. When God created mankind do you really think he did it out of altruism? He did it because he could and when his creation turned against him, he sent me down here to expose your wickedness. You haven’t disappointed in that respect.”

“I don’t deserve this,” Robert said, gagging on the rankness in the air. Sheets of sweat poured down his face as his stomach churned.

“Of course you do,” Dom said as the shape of his eyes began to change. “All must reap what they sow and you have sown so very much.”

“God help me,” Robert pleaded, looking up toward the ceiling. “Please.”

Dom followed his gaze and laughed.

“You’re a deft accountant, Robert, but it’s plain to see you didn’t dig deep enough when you were formulating your little scheme. The name on all of those offshore accounts where the money’s been going—it’s yours, my friend. Same with the signatures on the transfer slips. Why else do you think I hired you straight out of university? Perhaps I should make the call to the FBI myself. I’m sure they would be eager to speak with you about it. Then, after you get out of prison in about fifty years, you can be sure I’ll be there to ensure your last days are filled with unending misery. And when you die—like your so-called confidantes are doing right now at the hands of my acolytes—that’s when the real fun begins.”

The room was so hot, Robert’s head spun as if he was drunk. Dom’s face had grown radiant as the sun and the light that shone forth from his eyes resembled twin golden laser beams in the darkening room. Penetrating Robert’s staring eyes, they sliced through the meat of his brain and seared the inside curvature at the back of his skull.

“What do you want from me?” he cried as his mind gave way.

“I am the morning star—the devouring lion of the prophet Daniel’s account,” the thing towering over him said, its voice now like deep rolling thunder. Its mouth continued to reshape itself across the increasingly confused geography of its hideous face as the pupils of its eyes became golden vertical slits—like cat’s eyes. “Since they were shat out of their mother’s wombs, the sons of mankind have been drawn to my brilliance, like moths to a flame. All who follow me shall prosper in abundance. All who resist shall wither and perish under my infernal gaze.”

Abruptly, the blazing horror reverted back to its former appearance as the stench and suffocating heat in the air dissipated like they’d never been there in the first place. The room righted itself and Robert was overcome with relief when he realized he could move his arms and legs once again.

“It doesn’t have to be that way, though,” Dom said with a friendly smile. “Become my willing disciple, Robert. Submit to me and you shall never want again.”

Robert stared out the windows at the pale moon rising above the city as night descended. The choice was so obvious, it wasn’t even really a choice at all.


The next morning when he stepped out of the elevator, Robert wore a suit he never dreamed he could afford. Of surpassing quality, it clung to him like a luxurious second skin. He smiled at everyone as he walked past their cramped little cubicles and when their trembling lips smiled back, he sensed they weren’t just showing respect. They were filled with a terrified awe at what he’d become.

Though he wasn’t much more than a semi-autonomous puppet now, he beamed with happiness. As he sat down behind the desk of his new corner office, he remembered something Dom had said the evening before, at the end of their meeting.

The world doesn’t know how badly it wants to be eaten, Robert. Fill your belly and rejoice. You’ve earned it.

Robert nodded as he looked across the city and realized that he wasn’t just hungry, he was ravenous.


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Brilliant Description
kim4true rated this work:

June 23, 2019, 7:01 p.m.

"Avarice" is a well-crafted short story that leads the reader through a brilliant description of the devil revealing himself to a greedy accountant. It is publish-ready, thoroughly edited and polished with a plot that moves neatly from beginning through the middle to the end. And there is a solid ending, a thing which many otherwise well-written stories stumble over at the finish line and never quite provide.

The only slight ding I could give it is that the plot is not really original. But the pacing and the description were so good, that really is an unimportant issue. A better word would be archetypal, since all our archetypal stories of the devil and those who make deals with him go something like this. The art is in the telling, and this is told very well.

Setting Pacing Voice Cliches

Comment Rating: 5.0

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Wow. Thank you so much for the kind words. It's gratifying when something you've worked hard on is appreciated.

A quick, enjoyable read filled with nice lines and small, forgivable errors.
K-Anu-Grymm rated this work:

Sept. 5, 2019, 1:04 p.m.

I’ll start with saying I enjoyed this piece and think you summed up points/ideas in few words; the short story is a very easy read, and the ending was great. Your first line was also attention-grabbing and encouraged me to read on :).

Now onto other things. This is really long and I have no idea how, so just beware that this is huge, and keep in mind that I liked Avarice. This is a big collection of things I thought, and stuff that stood out to me while reading.

I’ll make suggestions as “Corrections”. You don’t have to take them and I wouldn’t be offended. Some of these I even think falls under “stylistic choice”, because sometimes a comma or something else, eve if proper, breaks up dialogue in a way that the character themselves would not break up their way of talking. I think with some missing commas and whatnot even in narration for a certain effect can work, too, and I like to experiment with that as well. I like to trust that the reader can catch up and learn how to read a different style, and allowing every writer to have their own style is important. :) So, the corrections, just small things to consider if you want. I won’t catch them, all, just a few. For the most part your structure and punctuation is solid. :)

“No mix though.”
Corrections: No mix, though.

“No thanks, I have to drive.”
Correction: No, thanks. I have to drive.”

“He had been practicing this speech all day.”
I see “flavour” has a U so I was thinking maybe you have British spellings because you’re not based in America. I’m pretty sure though that the British use an S instead of a C in practice when it’s a verb. If you’re based in America I would suggest the habit of using American English and not British English.

“Well it is my company.”
Correction: Well, it is my company.
(It could also be “Well, it’s my company.” I personally think contractions make it feel more natural unless you want to emphasize ‘is’ for Dom’s tone).

I suggest taking a look at the paragraph where Dom mentions the marbles. The punctuation there is a bit funky, too.

Only four things to mention here so it’s not a lot, it just looks like a lot.

1) The smell of sulfur is extremely distinctive. It sound as though Robert can’t quite place it at first. I didn’t buy this. Rotten egg smell is one of the most unique smells ever—it can’t be mistaken for anything and it definitely doesn’t take a moment to think about, far as I know. I personally wouldn’t be able to mistake it. Does he have a really bad sense of smell? Did the smell start out as something different and then develop into the rotten egg smell?

2) This I think is more me not quite understanding what you want from Robert as a character, but…

“Don’t you think that’s a tad greedy?” This is when Dom responds—very casually—to Robert, when normally people would balk at this price. Now, of course I find out later that Dom is…a demon thing, so he expected this; he’s got it all figured out, he’s just letting Robert think he has the power instead. This is such a casual remark with no narration to break up the dialogue, his remark feels instant, and is a bit of a red flag. Robert somehow doesn’t pick up on this in the slightest. He doesn’t take a moment to think in narration, “That’s a bit weird”. I think this would throw everyone off, at least a little. Especially since you mention Robert has rehearsed this and all multiple times. That means he’s also probably expecting certain reactions from Dom. He’s trained his brain to expect those reactions now, and it’ll be unsettling to find Dom isn’t reacting that way. After all, in the very beginning with the email, it seems like Robert interprets Dom’s respond in a panicky, squirmy way wanting to solve the issue at hand ASAP.

This is moving more into “definitely personal opinion territory” here, now, so it’s less technical:

You could say Robert is a bit of an idiot, which, yes, I think he’s a bit of an slow-thinker considering all of the red flags he missed. Dom is far too comfortable from the very start. There’s also this bit, “Robert shifted in his chair. Stick to the plan. He’s just blowing smoke up your ass.” that gave me more reason to believe he’s not the brightest since he didn’t even consider during his rehearsing that Dom would have backup plans. Of course he’d have backup plans. Since I felt this was the point though, and if it is, then it’s a bit underwhelming. Robert fails to think about so much that when Dom reveals who he is and, well, dominates Robert, there’s no feeling about it. It’s not like I get a sense of smallness or anything; Robert already felt tiny and insignificant because he clearly didn’t have things figured out, his plan was bound to go wrong.

Since he does not come off as any smarter, the twist that Dom actually has *him* by the balls and had his entire life doesn’t quite pay off. It’s like watching a cat play with a mouse. Robert is a mouse and I know he’s a mouse, so the play is boring. But if you make him a rat—which is much stronger, smarter, and could potentially do a cat some damage, then it’s more intriguing, because I’d think he really does have it handled. And then, boom! The twist is, the cat isn’t even a cat, he’s a lion—and not even a rat can beat that.

3) “You could say you’ve been a subject of interest for quite some time…”
Why? Robert seems very cut-and-dry. There’s nothing particularly compelling about him. Is it that Robert thought he was a good person and then he’s apparently not? I think that’s pretty common with people. Or is this just the way Dom speaks, but really he pays attention to everyone and everything? I just don’t get why Dom is spending so much time on this dude. He says it’s for fun, for the slow-burn, but I can’t imagine it’s much fun taunting someone like Robert since he's got to be a dime-a-dozen.

4) “Dom skirted around the desk…”
I think of “skirting” as…shuffling against something because there’s no space. I was under the impression that the office was large. Would Dom need to skirt his desk? Isn’t there a bunch of space?

I’m putting this in the same because you supply information through dialogue, and I’m very mixed on this. Basically 99% information is supplied through dialogue. Normally this isn’t an issue with me, but since it is so much information that the villain is monologuing for multiple paragraphs, it doesn’t have the same impact for me. Not only is Dom’s dialogue cheapened by him saying things that feel stilted because he’s forced to be an information source to the reader, but it’s awkward when he’s standing/sitting there going on and on and on about Robert.

This is mostly because I don’t know Robert. Under CHARACTERS you’ll see I don’t usually think that’s necessary, but, I do want to mention that all of Dom’s moments where he shows Robert who’s boss and who’s always been boss fell short to me. Dom’s monologuing feels largely undeserved because I know nothing about Robert.

As for the dialogue alone, I’ll provide a few examples of those parts where Dom is saying way more than I feel would realistically be said, mostly because he’s being forced to be an information drop:

“Especially the ones with the golden cat’s eyes mounted in the center.”
Here, I feel there’s too much information. This adds nothing for me as the reader except to feel there’s a bit too much “basking in his evilness and knowledge”. It’s already pretty clear from the get go that him even knowing about the marble thing is alarming. Adding this small detail doesn’t make it any more clear, but rather feels redundant. It could hint at how he also knows what Robert was *feeling* beyond what he visually showed, but that feels like a stretch to me.

“…when you caught him with that female student in his office?”
I don’t really feel knowing what he blackmailed the professor with adds anything. It also makes Robert seem less awful to me since he’s just blackmailing a guy who’s doing something he shouldn’t be doing.

Also, in this paragraph, “It was amusing to watch you stumble…”, it’s pretty big with Dom’s monologuing. After it, Robert says, “How can you know all of that?”. Perhaps see if you feel it works better if Robert interrupts him 2/3 of the way through, and asks how he can know these things? Robert’s dialogue feels really flat and calm throughout this entire thing, with no stammering or anything despite the scary situation for him.

“…she came crawling back after her short-term disability…”
I’m not entirely sure you need to mention the disability at all? Dom made it clear he has some power over how things happen, like with how he set up Robert’s life to be constantly tempted by money. I also don’t think “doctor friend” needs to be specified, just “I sent her to someone to remove the fetus” would suffice.

“I doubt she’ll ever try to leave me again. Just to make sure, though…”
He says he doubts it, but “I doubt it” isn’t absolutely certain. This is in the present. Then, he goes onto to say he “made sure”, so maybe rephrase this? “I made sure she’d never leave me again…”.

“The point being: no one escapes…” I don’t think he should have to clarify his point. If he has to do that he’s an inefficient monologue-er. I think you can take this part out, and just keep the last, but maybe break it up with an action like him looking to Robert, moving closer, etc, and then saying, “No one escapes once I’ve set my sights on them.”

I take it with such a short story I’m not supposed to feel anything for the characters and it’s more about the outcome and all and the statement Dom is making, so I won’t comment on whether on their personalities, since I think short stories are more about commenting on something that seldom has to do with individuals.

One thing I did have a small issue with is….Dom. Dom keeps smiling, and you describe it as an ear-to-ear grin, big teeth and all. I felt it a bit…cartoony? I couldn’t take it seriously. The more he smiled and acted so tough I tuned out. And then he started monologuing more. I struggled to get through it because he was already a silly Disney-villain to me, who was trying desperately to be darker and more serious by mentioning the rape callously, talking about how amusing things are repeatedly, and about fun. I think this is largely a personal thing for me. I don’t like “big baddies” crammed down my throat. I’m often tempted to stop reading when they are and most times, I do.

I did get a sense that maybe you were poking fun at this, because of Robert’s thought about the combination of the room + music + the cigar was “cliche” and “out of a movie”. Whether or not that’s the point though doesn’t help me to look at Dom as anything but boring. Again, I think this is largely a me thing. Some people really like over-the-top characters and they definitely have their place.

If there’s very specific things you had to do because Dom is a specific character in the Bible or something, I can understand that. I myself wouldn’t know since I know nothing about the Bible beyond generic things about Jesus, and that Lucifer was a fallen angel for reasons. My knowledge is super limited there.

“Underneath the luminous flesh…”
Maybe “his” instead of “the”?

“…as warm wetness bloomed in his crotch and ran down his legs.”
“Bloomed” makes this sound prettier than it really is. I feel like it should be grittier? This could largely be a writing style though, and I don’t want to say you should change your voice.

“…those three animals…” ‘Those’ makes me feel like I missed something but nothing was mentioned. What are these? I’m guessing this is a biblical thing I’m not understanding.

“Why?” Dom said, imitating Robert’s sniveling voice.
^ Here, Dom refers to God a lot. I think “he/him” should be capitalized since it’s talking about God? Take note of my uncertainty there. I do see it being capitalized a lot but I don’t know if that’s a rule of any sort. I imagine it’s something people in a religion do out of respect. Dom seems to believe in God though so it feels right that the pronouns are He and Him.

“Snowflakes…dull confetti.”
I may be reading too far into this but it felt like to me the snowflakes were Robert. People always say “special snowflakes” and Robert feels confident enough he probably thinks he’s just that, but the feeling he gets that they’re like “dull confetti” is the truth of what he is. Maybe I’m just too aware of the word snowflake now. So, whether or not this was intentional, I really liked this bit for that reason. And, by the way, I loved how that entire paragraph was phrased. Something about it flows really well down to the mention of Dom’s cigar.

“…as sweat…soaked into the elastic band of his underwear.” Nice detail!

“You’re a deft accountant, Robert…” I feel like this entire paragraph should be earlier on. I don’t want to tell you exactly where you could put it and everything because I don’t want it to feel like I’m trying to write your story. Maybe outline the short story, highlight what Dom talks about when and where, and then rearrange the outline and make multiple variants. That way it may be easier to see if information flows better in a different spot.

“he cried as his mind gave way”
How’d his mind give way? What’s it doing? Is he thinking he’s seeing things? Is he convincing himself he’s insane and none of this is happening? I don’t feel like I get enough reaction from Robert.

“I am the morning star...” Loved this line, too, but I don’t think you needed the dialogue tag on it.

“It clinged to him like a luxurious second skin…” Loving the comparison.

I’m a bit confused about Dom’s logic. He says he was sent down to to reveal the sins of humans basically and show them they suck. Then he gets really mad when they defy him and resist their sins. So he gives them no choice but to deal with it. Then he gives them everything they want and rewards all of their apparent awfulness for accepting him which gives them the power to be even more awful to innocent people…? …Huh? Maybe he’s tricking them into destroying themselves but it’s guised as a reward. I honestly think I’m over-thinking this because that’s a thing I do, so I won’t put this up as criticism, it’s just me as a reader. I’m kind of taking Dom literally when he says God sent him down and, I mean, Dom is crazy and cruel, so maybe he’s making that up, I don’t even know anymore. I think that’s a good thing, though. It makes me think, ‘cause it’s not like Dom is “just” a psychopath who likes to torture people. He’s supernatural. But theeeen, it’s also possible he’s not, because maybe there’s some weird hallucinatory drug thing in whatever that smell was in the office and Robert’s tripping. Perhaps Dom just knows the drug so well he knows how to suggest imagery to Robert before Robert knows it. I can’t explain the paralyzation though, hmm. Dom could have timed it or something and knew when Robert would be able to move. I have no idea! It’s fun to think about.

The ending is where I feel you could have spent a bit more time. Robert’s wearing a new suit and all, and it mentions other people as nothing but a collective. Maybe Darlene could show up for a bit to tie things in? She’s still an employee there but it feels like she doesn’t exist, despite being mentioned by Dom. The ending is a tiny bit rushed. It just feels like there should be more time to settle in with the “new amazing life” Robert has. Maybe people respect him out of fear more, where they didn’t before, etc.

Any punctuation errors are easily forgivable and didn’t take away from the story much. There’s some technical issues but they didn’t ruin the story for me. I loved your opening line; the moment I read it, I knew I’d find this an enjoyable read.

I know I gave Dom a lot of flack for all of the monologuing and all, but it really wasn’t that bad; I like your dialogue and the way you phrase things, which makes him a bit charismatic (even awful as he is as a person), and the formality in which he spoke with a lot of the time gives a bigger impression of an authority figure.

Also, maybe it was just me, I don’t know, but I liked how on point the name for Dom is, since it makes me think ‘DOMinant’. I just found it funny and very fitting.

I did like the initial set up with Robert going in, full of confidence, only to be proven his confidence was wrong. You have a lot of really nice lines throughout the piece that I think are memorable, especially the last few lines, one of which Dom says: “The world doesn’t know how badly it wants to be eaten…”. The very ending also gives a great implication that Robert is insatiable at this point and won’t stop, so he and Dom are just the perfect combo in hell.

Last but not least, I like your style of writing, it's charming and has a lot going for it. :)

Character Motivation Dialogue Grammar

Comment Rating: 5.0

Excellent story telling, misleading title
NaliWrites rated this work:

April 9, 2019, 12:29 p.m.

This story was excellent! It had me on the edge of my seat all the way to the end.
I enjoyed the turn of events where Robert basically chooses to consciously serve Dom through his own greed.

You are skillful at writing dialogue. Dom's lines moved the story along and provided information about what goes on that is unseen by mortals. Robert's lines and your descriptions of his physical reactions realistically conveyed what someone that got hemmed up in a room with the actual Devil would go through. Very well done!

I agree with another reader that you don't need the "not literal, figurative"... explanation on Robert having his boss by the balls. Readers get it. Keeping that first line simple is a more effective hook.

The pacing of the story was sheer perfection. It moves along fast enough to remain engaging all the way through to the end. Every word is used to serve the story. There is no waste of words or dead spaces in your writing.
I admire your ability to use dialogue and description that "shows" so there is no need to tell Dom's true identity until the very end, while at the same time indicating how evil is rampant in the world at large, governments, etc.

The title AVARICE point's to Robert's greed but the story takes the reader into Dom's world/showing his power. In my opinion, it seemed like Dom became the main character, in a way. Robert just ended up being a puppet.

Mind blowing lines!!
1. “Have you read the bible, Robert?”

2.“I am the morning star—the devouring lion of the prophet Daniel’s account,” the thing towering over him said, its voice now like deep rolling thunder. Its mouth continued to reshape itself across the increasingly confused geography of its hideous face as the pupils of its eyes became golden vertical slits—like cat’s eyes. “Since they were shat out of their mother’s wombs, the sons of mankind have been drawn to my brilliance, like moths to a flame. All who follow me shall prosper in abundance. All who resist shall wither and perish under my infernal gaze.”

3.The world doesn’t know how badly it wants to be eaten, Robert. Fill your belly and rejoice. You’ve earned it.
Robert nodded as he looked across the city and realized that he wasn’t just hungry, he was ravenous.

Overall, your writing is excellent. You have a strong command of the craft of fiction and the horror/supernatural genre. Your writing is engaging to readers submerging them in the fictional world that you built. I admire your skill and hope to read many more stories from you.

Setting Pacing Show Don't Tell Originality Character Motivation Dialogue Concision

Comment Rating: 5.0

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Thank you so much for your insightful comments. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

Amazing story with some great lines
beco99 rated this work:

June 16, 2019, 6:22 a.m.

I love this story. I really like the twist when the tables are turned and things get really interesting. It feels slow at the beginning and builds and builds to the peak where the towering beast is looming large, and then comes back to Earth and slows the pace again. I think you do a great job building that intensity with harder and stronger language, and there are so many good lines - “Since they were shat out of their mother’s wombs, the sons of mankind have been drawn to my brilliance, like moths to a flame. is a favourite. I also love the ending, the final line in particular is a real gem.

There were a couple of little tweaks I'd make - '..city like some great white snake' I think 'a' is preferable to some here as it's singular. ' you could have chose to resist temptation' should be 'chosen' as the past participle is needed here.

Finally, as others have said, I'm not sure about the title. Although Roberts greed brings him down this path, the story feels much more directed towards Dom and his power. Perhaps we could learn more about Robert's character at the beginning of the story if 'Avarice' is really what you wanted the story to be about.

Finally, just to say , I bloody loved the story and couldn't take my eyes off it.

Plot Pacing

Comment Rating: 5.0

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I'm so glad you got enjoyment out of it. Thanks so much for commenting. Very much appreciated.

Bribery scam reversed with pleasure
Favarato rated this work:

June 21, 2019, 6:32 p.m.

The story started and ended in a strong manner. The opening line was a fantastic attention grabber and the ending piece of advice left the reader seeing the future of the storyline. Very movie-like in its opening and the way it plays out. A whole other plotline could now be written after this short story set up. There is a great deal of tension, cold cruelty, evil domination in that keeps the reader wondering and uncomfortable and reading.


Comment Rating: 5.0

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Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Love the ending but work on the buildup!
naricorn rated this work:

April 4, 2019, 5:35 a.m.

*Don't think you need to explain that Robert having his boss by the balls is not literal, as I (and maybe others) assumed otherwise. You could get into the story more quickly, as you say that Robert's excited his scheme's unfolding as planned several different ways.

*Dom gazed "through" the floor? That first sentence is a bit convoluted.

*I thought the comparison of snowflakes to dull confetti was creative, but the visual I got was of dusty, multicolored particles. Metaphors are supposed to simplify understanding--I could, of course, be the only one who thought of party confetti, but I'd check with others.

*Love "anemic pools of light." You have some nice, original descriptions. They do sometimes get confusing--thinking about how strains of a song can "waft" through an air and get muddled with the odor of a cigarette just takes me out of the story.

*The story REALLY picks up in Dom's office, and I got so into it! If I'm right about who Dom is, having him ask Robert if he's read the Bible is a nice touch. I do wonder if Robert's stealing the marbles is something that would pique Dom's interest and continue following him, though--doesn't seem like that uncommon a sin for a child to commit.

*Who're those three animals? "Those" implies we know of particular people you're referring to.

*I find it hard to believe Rob didn't notice the name on those offshore accounts were his.

*LOVE the ending, especially Dom's quote about how badly the world wants to be eaten. I think the character development could use a bit of work, but I like where he ends up. It's mainly where he starts--like I don't get the sense that he's really greedy until Dom just tells us all the sins he's committed in his past, which comes out of nowhere. Maybe more hints in the beginning so we can also see what Dom sees in him.

Plot Pacing Character Motivation Diction

Comment Rating: 5.0

A gripping if slightly unoriginal story made great by some fantastic dialogue.
adammbooth rated this work:

June 24, 2019, 6:32 a.m.

"Avarice" is a really great story made all the better by some efficient and gripping dialogue and a cold but urgent voice. The way the dialogue came off the page at me felt really special and I would love to know more about these characters, particularly Dom. The premise might not be all that original but I think it's the unique voice that makes me so eager to read more about these characters and this world.

Voice Dialogue

Comment Rating: 4.0

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Thank you for reading the story and leaving a comment. Glad you enjoyed it.

Fabulous Dialogue!
authortessagray rated this work:

June 17, 2019, 2:16 p.m.

I adored the snappy dialogue throughout this story. Being able to create believable dialogue that resonates with readers is a gift. There was some missed opportunity here because so much of the storyline centered around Robert's POV (point of view). I would have liked more of Dom's POV to be presented because the two main characters were both a bit evil! It was off-putting at first when you didn't have Dom sweating bullets upon discovering that his employee was about to blackmail him, but I suspect you assumed the reader would perhaps assume that the boss would remain cool, calm and collected about being blackmailed--knowing full well he had something on his employee.

When you were writing from Robert's point of view, you mentioned that Dom regarded him with a mixture of pity and bemusement as the young accountant struggled. This would actually be from Dom's POV, not Robert's. That was confusing. The entire scene centered around how frightened Robert was from HIS point of view, not Dom's. The ending was incredibly short but totally worked.

Comment Rating: 4.0

darlingnell rated this work:

June 26, 2019, 9:57 a.m.

An age-old story of the greed we all sometimes feel. Well written.

It's a small niggle to say that Robert's been watched since childhood. It seems to me that snatching marbles isn't something the Devil would pick up on -- maybe something more, I dunno, avaricious? *grin* And, as another noted, I found it odd that Robert wouldn't notice that it was his name on the accounts if he was a good accountant.

Still, the pacing was excellent, the dialogue very good. And I disagree with others about the title. AVARICE seems to suit this piece well. It applies to both main characters, and it speaks to that greed in us all. Moreover, it ties into the ending -- that hunger for more, more, more.

Pacing Conflict Voice Dialogue Grammar

Comment Rating: 4.0

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Love going back to read other people's comments. Sometimes I see things that I might've noticed but didn't think to vocalize. The marbles example just reinforces my thought that the hunger isn't well established enough in the beginning. I didn't feel like I was shown he was that greedy. I think people take issue with the title because they're not convinced of the greed, or because it's a word that's not used as often (and thus doesn't square with the overall language of the piece.) Or maybe it's too on the nose?

Amazing concept
Scandalion rated this work:

June 20, 2019, 7:17 a.m.

Was a fascinating read, and I thoroughly intrigued by its concept. Well Done

Plot Setting Pacing Point of View

Comment Rating: 3.0

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Thank you so much for reading it. Glad you liked it.

Needs a New Title
cereed27 rated this work:

March 26, 2019, 3:57 p.m.

How about "Devil's Advocate?"

Comment Rating: 1.0

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Though that film and my story both contain a boss figure who turns out to be something evil, the plots are significantly different, so I don't feel your comparison is really fair.