Hurt/Comfort

She Died

April 18, 2019
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Average Rating: 2.33
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She died.

Spoilers aside, her death was not the conclusion nor climax of the story.

It was the beginning of a cyclic swoop.

To him, time was never linear.

It went on and on and on and it did not stop for death.

Rather, death was a nestled cove, a merged being that flowed and ebbed and always took.

 

 

To be fair, one cannot expect others to change for you.

That does not mean that he did not want her to stay behind, tell him that she could change.

The thought that he had made her change, that he was worth that transformation was enough.

But, ultimately, he was not worth reshaping her entire being.

He did not love her for who she was, but who she could be.

She recognized this, and, while it hurt to admit it, she did what she knew how: leave.



Perhaps, if he had prevented her from leaving, she would not have died.

He knows that his logic is faulty; she was not his to keep.

Still, he cannot help but wonder how alive, albeit dissatisfied, she would have been with him.

Dissatisfaction is still preferable to death, he concludes.

Or, rather, he should have ran to her.

He should have told her that he accepted her as she was, and he would have all of her.

 

 

She was a heartbreaker by nature.

That is, assuming that someone’s persona could be characterized by such an idiomatic word.

He chose to believe that she was a heartbreaker by volition rather than impulse.

Volitions required thought: careful calculation and planning.

He believed himself to be worth deliberation.

But, it was soothing to assume he was discarded by a matter of impulse rather than by consideration.

 

 

He has forgotten how to be honest to himself.

Or, rather, he has never confronted his dishonesty in the past.

Personal deception is so much harder to perceive than public prevarication.

Reality is shaped only by what the individual deems as vital.

To him, it was vital that she loved him.

He believed it with every ounce of his being; therefore, it became true.

 

 

In school, he was taught that the “empty space” he witnessed was not empty at all.

It was populated with atoms.

Even the vast blackness of space contained a surfeit of dark matter.

It was difficult for him to see anything as empty after this epiphany.

Therefore, he could not comprehend her leaving him.

His mind simply could not comprehend empty space.

 

 

He wondered if it hurt when she died.

Was there a moment of clamor before the silence?

Did she cry out in fear or acquiescence?

His understanding of death is so parochial that he cannot begin to comprehend.

He wants to comprehend.

But, he is glad he does not.

 

 

“It’s me, not you,” she told him.

“If it isn’t me, then why are you leaving?” he wanted to ask, but he held his tongue.

“I just need to find myself. Once I do, I’ll come back.”

He wonders how many times she has said this, and if she still believes herself.

How far must she go before she is satisfied?

He wonders if she will ever be satisfied.

 


It was a car accident.

It was not her fault, but he wants it to be.

He wants someone to blame.

It is a subcutaneous hurt that expands through his body in a sardonic manner.

Because in the end, it was an accident, a coincidence, a concurrence.

She is just another accident in the current of life.

 

He had done nothing wrong.

He was an innocent party.

But, this does not quell the surge in adequacy he feels.

He was not good enough for her, but now she is dead anyhow.

He is alone.

Again.

 

He is dating someone new.

There is never much talking; the two of them have moved beyond childish noise.

Instead, they take comfort in each other’s silence.

Overcome by trepidation, he reaches out to assure himself that he is not alone.

He is never disappointed nor surprised.

He likes this new assurity, even if it does not hold the spark that he held long ago.

 

Years later, he visited the site of her death.

He stood there until rain fell and the sky turned an ominous shade of grey.

If the wound had been fresh, he assumed that he would have been screaming in agony.

Instead, he felt a quiet tiredness.

He wanted to go home.

He wanted to sleep.

 

She has been the recipient of enough of his attentions.

He has mourned her for too long.

He knows he should let her go, but he does not know how.

He thinks of her less and less, but the feelings never go.

He loves the part of her she left behind, and yearns for the part that went on.

He no longer considers himself asinine for these thoughts.

 

He wonders about an afterlife, but dismisses the idea.

It too closely resembles an insular fantasy.

Instead, he focuses on the collision, the merging of metal.

He imagines sparks, bursts of flame: white and hot and scalding.

He wonders if she found herself in that moment.

In that one moment of glory, if she closed her eyes and said, “I’m home.”


Fantasy is embedded in human nature, and life is the greatest fantasy of all.


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Experimental and curious but needs more clarity!
naricorn rated this work:

April 22, 2019, 12:04 a.m.

Hello! I think you could transform this work into something really compelling if you made it more specific. I understand the stanzas/parts must mean something in particular to you, but as a reader who can only guess at what you're trying to do based on the text, I often find myself grasping at straws. Your word choice is vague, which isn't always bad, but here when I'm already coming in disoriented, I need some specifics to ground myself.

There are so many sentences that, by themselves, are interesting springboards from which you could spin off entire stories. But together, without elaboration, they're distracting. "Rather, death was a nestled cove, a merged being that flowed and ebbed and always took." "He did not love her for who she was, but who she could be." These are cool thoughts, but do they fit together?

I do sense the underlying hurt you're trying to convey, but I would have felt more for the unnamed "he" and "she" if I knew anything about them! Why does he care so much about her? What's she like? What're they like? Why is their relationship the way it is? What happens between the scenes, between all these assertions?

Love the phrase "subcutaenous hurt."

Some phrases/sentences are repetitive, like "He had done nothing wrong." "He was an innocent party." And then "the surge in adequacy he feels" (assuming you meant inadequacy) compared to "He was not good enough for her."

Thank you for posting the piece, and I hope my suggestions were helpful.

Plot Show Don't Tell Character Motivation Concision

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Interesting and emotional but I would like to see more personality
Daniel rated this work:

April 29, 2019, 2:43 p.m.

Please take these comments and questions knowing that they are all based on my opinion as a reader who does not claim to be an expert.

First of all, I appreciate the themes of this piece. Death, loss of a significant other, and wishful thinking/guilt are all things which are obviously universally relatable. However, because they are so relatable and in this character's case personal, I would like to know more about the character and his relationship.

As it stands, the work is highly abstract, which of course isn't inherently bad. I only think that the relationship needs more detailing so that I can understand why the main character felt so deeply for this girl and is mourning her over years, especially since he seems to be aware of her detached and disingenuous character. Why did the main character love her so much? What did he love about her? What idiosyncrasies were only hers which he cared deeply for? I get that he saw her potential and not who she was, but what made that false vision of her stay alive for years? Why did he never come to reality even in a deep depression and in another relationship?

Really, I would just like to know more about the groundings of this character's philosophy. You do a really nice job summing the philosophy itself up, but I think that there is enough contradiction between sentences like "[he] yearns for the part that went on" and "[he] dismisses the idea [of an afterlife]" that more elaboration on the character's behavior is necessary. I'm not saying that these emotional theorems should be logically consistent, but that maybe descriptions of his behavior that subtly clue in how they have changed him over time or conflict in him would be worth exploring.

If this piece is expanded or you post more work I look forward to reading it, the flow of the piece and much of the phrasing was very nice and it feels deeply nostalgic.

Cliches Show Don't Tell Originality Character Motivation

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