Hurt/Comfort Romance

I just sat there...

May 20, 2019
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Average Rating: 2.44

Grampy didn’t know who I was. I told him that I got the job offer I worked so hard to land. He knew it was what I had been working towards for five years. He understood what I was doing. He congratulated me and told me he was proud of me and to call him and tell him what it was like.

The Saturday after my first week I called him and he didn’t know who I was. He spoke to me in his native language he knows I don’t understand. He thought that I was my Dad, but my Dad when he was my age, 30-something years ago. I didn’t know what to do. I said bye and that I loved him and hung up and I just sat there. I didn’t know what to do.

Two weeks prior, I got into a car accident. I built this whole new life for myself. I had just accepted my job offer and had another half dozen offers on the table. It was on a road I had traveled on almost everyday for five years, even when I rode the bus… before I could afford a car. I never had any trouble. I didn’t see the truck going the wrong way until it was right in front of me. Its headlights were blaring and it was racing towards me. I swerved out of the way at the last second. A car hit me from behind but, I was safe. I just sat there. I didn’t know what to do, my face was expressionless. I didn’t know what do. I kept seeing the headlights staring back at me, but I didn’t feel anything.

Then I decided to make make changes in my life. Serious changes. I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t living the life I wanted. It was like my whole life I had been running, but I didn’t know when I started or why or where I was headed. I just looked around and I didn’t know where I was… but I knew I was 100 miles from where I wanted to be.

I started meditating and praying, believing in God. I wanted to talk to my Aunt about it. Two days later her kidneys failed. I was running out of time. I didn’t know what to do. Time was running out. I didn’t know where I was or who I was, only that I wasn’t where I wanted to be… but I didn’t know how to get there… or if I was even worthy.

And now… I am here, in love with you… and I have never been so sure of anything in my whole life.


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Interesting stream of thought but lacks clarity
beco99 rated this work:

May 27, 2019, 3:14 a.m.

This piece feels like a stream of thought, and I'm not sure of the link between the first two paragraphs and what follows. I guess more of a connection could be made here. I like the penultimate paragraph where there is more urgency and it feels like panic on the page. The shorter sentences are a good move.

I noticed a few issues with sentence structure (I didn’t know what to do, my face was expressionless. - needs 'and' after the comma or simply a full stop.), or commas in the wrong place (A car hit me from behind but, I was safe. - ...,but I was safe.) But maybe this is to do with the style you are trying to achieve. There is a also a word doubled (Then I decided to make make changes in my life.)

I'm also not sure about the order of events. I presume the narrator changed their life after the accident, as described in the following paragraph, but in the third paragraph you said you built a new life too. Was that before the accident or after? Had you built a life and then changed it?

Grammar Sentence Structure Concision

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DevG94:

Thank you very much for the feedback. I really appreciate it!!

Work on vagueness
naricorn rated this work:

May 24, 2019, 4:52 p.m.

I should say first that I haven't read too many meditations, so perhaps I'm unfamiliar with the style. But this piece felt like it could've been more developed.

*First, Grampy not knowing who the narrator was... Was that after she told him the job offer? That paragraph confused me immediately. And what's the native language? I think this piece could do with a lot more specifics to make the visuals more compelling.

*A lot of the story is the narrator telling a sequence of events that happened. There isn't too much reflection (I do like the repetition of her constantly not knowing how to react to her surroundings and then coming to her epiphany at the end, but it was very on the nose for me.)

*What are the serious changes? Again, specifics.

*I like that you vary your sentence structure with the pacing, making sentences shorter when they need to be more urgent. Nice.

*The last sentence came out of the blue. I felt like this piece made me ask questions so numerous that if I wrote them all out, they could rival this piece's length. Give the reader more hints to latch onto.

The ideas are all here, but the expression of them is too vague at the moment. Thank you for sharing!

Character Motivation Sentence Structure

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DevG94:

Thank you reading and I appreciate the honest feedback!