Adventure Fantasy Romance Sci-fi

After Humanity---00: Lost Origins

May 27, 2019
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Average Rating: 3.89
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Flashes of lights beamed upon a window of a hospital. A child-sized figure sat quietly in a wheelchair, hypnotized by the sight. Only a glance at its reflection snapped the child out of the daze. The bandages were in an awkward position on its face. It grasped at the child's face, but with the exception of its nose, eyes, and frontal parts of its hair.

 

 

 

"...This'll be a blast for your first time Arthur! It's nothing like you've ever seen!" Chirped a boy, shaping his lips to a toothy grin. Hearing its surroundings once again, the child turned to the boy behind him.

 

 

 

"What about Donald?"

 

The child asked. The boy smirked, "Don't worry about that old man. He's got too much time to waste on gadgets. He won't even notice you're gone until the next day." The child faced downward, pensive about the matter. The child moved its hidden lips to say something else, but the boy in front of him yelled out,

 

 

 

"It's starting! It's starting! Look!"

 

 

 

Turning the child's chair towards the window, the boy pointed to a large tower that began counting down...

 

 

 

Ten...

 

 

 

Nine...

 

 

 

Eight...

 

 

 

Seven...

 

 

 

Six... 

 

 

Five...

 

 

 

Four...

 

 

 

Three...

 

 

 

Two...

 

 

 

"STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS!!!"

 

 

 

One…

 

 

 


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Interesting start!
beco99 rated this work:

June 3, 2019, 6:33 a.m.

Hey interesting start to a story. The italics were distracting. I'd say it's better used for emphasis on certain words rather than for the whole piece. Also, why is the child an 'it'? I presume you don't want to reveal gender or if it is even human. Maybe 'they' could be a better option (if it is human?).

Anyway, very interesting start and I'm curious to see where it goes. I guess that there is going to be some kind of launch but perhaps you are subverting expectations and the countdown will lead to something else. Also you set it up nicely with the bandaged child. I'm curious to know what happened to it. Is it an experiment? Or just an accident? Either way, a good way to pique interest. A little other thing, when you describe the 'frontal parts of the hair' couldn't it just be 'fringe' or 'bangs'? Just a thought.

Anyway, can't wait to see what happens next!

Plot Concision

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Interesting start but be more concise!
naricorn rated this work:

May 27, 2019, 5:46 p.m.

Hey, cool prologue! Is that why everything is in italics?

*You could work on concision to give the story more momentum. For example, "Flashes of light showed" can be "Light flashed." "A figure, the size of a child" can be "A child-sized figure. Also, the child is an "it?"

*Careful on word choice. Bandages "hugging" a face was a distracting image, at least for me.

*Same thing on concision -> "the child asked the boy, making the boy smirk in response" could be "the child asked. The boy smirked." Or something similar. Also, is there really a benefit to not revealing the child's name?

Since this is a prologue, there isn't too much material for me to critique, but I'm interested! I can't say for sure, given that I haven't read the remaining chapter, but I'm not sure if this prologue has enough content to be that necessary. This might be a part you could work into the backstory. I'd say either add more details or nix this part.

Thank you for sharing!

Plot Diction

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LightWorker:

Heyo! Thanks for commenting on my story. I really appreciated it. :D I also understand what you said about my lack of word choice, so I will re-edit that as soon as possible too. ^^ However, I thought it necessary to place author's gender in the blank category considering the ending would sum up everything (as well as the lack of details, I gladly ask for advice on a better way to execute this idea, though! >.<)

thank you so much again for the comment, it helped me see a lot on this! :D

P.S. Yes, it is a prologue! Thank you for noticing. <3

I'm interested in what this is leading up to
van rated this work:

May 30, 2019, 3:16 p.m.

So, I'm really interested in what this is leading up to/setting up. You do a good job teasing information without frustrating the reader; I'm intrigued! Will you upload more? I'm so curious about Arthur's past.
Following the spirit of a critique site though, I hope you don't mind just a few suggestions:
First off, what does it mean for a bandage to grasp at a face? It wraps around? The imagery is a little odd. Also, and this is a nitpicky thing, but what about using "their" instead of "its"? I dunno, it seems more humanizing that way, and still maintains gender neutrality. Unless (this just dawned on me) you're purposefully using "it" BECAUSE you want to take away the child's humanity or something. That'd be clever too.
Finally, the formatting is a little strange. Dialogue is typically in the same line as the dialogue tags, and it's easier to follow that way. And there's always a new paragraph with every new speaker and idea (I'm thinking about the first exchange between Arthur and the boy).
Formatting is really the big thing that stuck out to me, which is good because that's an easier problem to fix than, say, pacing (which don't need fixing here at all), so I'm really excited to see what this intro leads up to! I can just feel something bad about to happen...

Dialogue Diction

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This is great!
ElementZeroth rated this work:

Nov. 17, 2019, 10:27 p.m.

I really like this even though it is small it feels the right size to me as it is setting something up and makes people want to turn the next page I feel like you possibly could add something about the old man had parts and tools laying around even in this room to show that the old man always is working on something. However not having won't hurt it in any way either.

Show Don't Tell

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