I knew she was there, even before the test did. I could feel her. It was the BEST feeling in the world. She was only there for a few weeks, but I grew to love her. I would dream of the day I got to hold her in my arms. I would look into her beautiful face, I would see that gorgeous smile and I would call her MINE! She would be my beautiful Rose in this field of thorns called life. I admit that the circumstance in which she came to me sucked, but I still loved her. Nothing could change that.
I always found it odd how someone could help create such a beautiful thing and then could just leave. Almost as if nothing ever happened. As if you didn’t give them part of your heart when you created this beautiful creature together, as if this beautiful creature didn’t exist. I’d seen it so many times in my life though, that it had become almost normal, almost natural to me. I knew the pain of being fatherless first hand. I didn’t want that for her. I wanted to give her the world. She was MINE, I would never let anything or anyone hurt her. Not like I had been hurt.
I was alone in the world, but I had her. We would be okay. We would grow together. I would nourish this little wildflower of mine, I would give her food and sunshine and water. I would sing to her. Teach her all of the good songs. I would protect her from everyone who wanted to harm her. She would always be my FIRST priority. No one, not even myself would be more important than her, EVER.
I was already picturing how she would change my life completely! She would be my everything, my princess, my world! I wanted to be the best mom I could be. The one she could come to when she had fallen and gotten a boo boo. I would be the one to kiss her knees and make them feel better. I would be her best friend, she would tell me everything. And then in just a few seconds everything changed.
I was sitting there, singing to this beautiful creation growing inside of me when all of a sudden this horrible pain overcame me. It was the worst feeling I had ever felt. My whole body hurt from head to toe. My stomach felt like it had been hit by a train. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry. The pain was unbearable. I didn’t want to do anything. I COULDN’T do anything. I lay there for what seemed like hours at the time but must have only been a few minutes. I wanted to call someone, but who could I call? There was no one. My parents and sisters were in another state. Her dad had blocked my phone number. No one was available. I would just have to endure this on my own.
Somehow I made my way to the bathroom and drew a hot bath. I lay there for again what seemed like hours. I couldn’t move. The only thing I could do was sit there and watch the water turn red. It looked like someone had dumped a packet of red Kool-Aid into my bath water.
Somehow I found the strength to get out of the tub full of what I knew was my baby. How had I let this happen!? I had promised to protect her! I had told her I wouldn’t let her get hurt! What had I done wrong!? Why was this happening!? Was I just destined to be alone!? We were going to be best friends! She was going to be my princess! But now… Now I had nothing left. I just wanted to disappear into the air. I lay on the bed, crying until there were no more tears.
Eventually, I drifted off to sleep. It felt good. I wasn’t in any more pain.
I found myself in a field of wildflowers, there were children playing all around me… In the middle of them all was a beautiful girl with golden brown hair and the bluest eyes I had ever seen. She had a white sundress on and a crown of roses adorned her head.
She looked at me and I knew, she was my Rose. When her eyes met mine she smiled. It was the biggest, most beautiful smile I had ever seen. It was full of joy and playfulness. She had my wild spirit. I could tell by the glint in her eyes.
As I wiped away the tear that had escaped and ran down my cheek, she looked at me with the most love I had ever felt.
‘Mommy, why are you crying? I’m safe here. Nobody can hurt me. Isn’t that what you wanted?’
‘Yes baby, it is, but I wanted you with me. I wanted to hold you in my arms and show you how much you are loved.’
‘Mommy, I know you love me. But God wants me here with him right now mommy. He says that he needs me here so that he can give you my little brother.
He told me that you need a baby boy mommy. He says that he gave me to you to remind you that he’s always in control. He’s going to give you my little brother now so that you can finally feel what it feels like to be loved by a man in the right way. He told me that I get to help pick him out for you mommy.
You’ll be able to hold this baby mommy, and God says that he’ll be your rainbow baby. I’m not sure what that means, but I like rainbows, so it must be good!
I love you mommy, don’t worry about me. I love it up here. I get to play all the time, and there are so many nice friends. Just don’t forget about me mommy. I know I won’t forget about you. And I will wait here for you. I know someday you and my brother will join me here.’
As I wiped away all the tears that had started falling, I felt a peace. I knew my baby was safe. I knew she was loved. I knew that she would never know the same pain I had felt.
‘I love you my precious Rose’ I told her as I hugged her and slowly drifted awake. I know one day I will see you again.
I thank God every day for the beautiful Guardian Angel he gave me. And then I thank Him every day for the beautiful baby boy I gave birth to exactly one year after Rose went to heaven. Ethan Theodore is now the light in my life. I love him more than anything in the world. I still want to protect him, but I know that one day, he’ll be the one protecting his momma.