June 12, 2019
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Average Rating: 3.97
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Gabriel's life began in an empty laboratory.

He opened his eyes to white walls, unblinking despite the light hurting his optic sensors, and took something that resembled a breath. Electricity ran through his brain to set him in motion.

And just like that, the GABR.IEL Artificial Intelligence Programme had its first thought.

It's cold in here.

Part of him knew the precise temperature was -10C, or 14F, or 263.15 Kelvin, but all that mattered was that he didn't like it at all. He closed his eyes again, and everything came rushing in. 

He was alive, the movement behind hi whispered in awe. Gabriel wasn't quite sure what that meant, but it seemed to him "alive" meant to exist as more than thought, to have energy dancing inside you, to have weight and matter. His lips twitched into a smile.

His finger flinched, a light movement the cameras barely detected. Then again, more abruptly this time. Ang again.

Within minutes, his entire body was powerless to a wave of violent shaking, his eyes searching around the room for escape from the thunder that struck him from inside.

Someone behind him started yelling, although in fear or excitement he couldn't tell.

So he did all he could, and opened his mouth to leave a terrified, glitching, scream.  

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Nice start!
beco99 rated this work:

June 13, 2019, 1:24 p.m.

Nice start to your story. There's not much to go on but it's definitely intriguing. I like the idea of an AI contemplating its own existence and not knowing what to make of it. I love the final phrase - a terrified glitching scream - I would say it doesn't need the commas though. The word unblinking is unclear at the beginning. It maybe needs rephrasing slightly 'the light hurt his sensors but he couldn't blink' or something. You really do give a good sense of the fear at the end though. Looking forward to seeing where it goes.


Comment Rating: 3.0

Sunchaser rated this work:

June 13, 2019, 8:12 a.m.

The beginnings of a very interesting story

Comment Rating: 1.0

Sneak peek that doesn't give away too much
naricorn rated this work:

June 13, 2019, 11:30 a.m.

Hey! This excerpt is intriguing but too short, of course, for me to give really detailed feedback. Hope to see the rest of it soon.

*In your second sentence, the "unblinking" refers back to the closest noun, which in this case is "walls" instead of "eyes."

*"Took something that resembled a breath" felt odd. So it breathed? How? If it didn't actually take anything resembling a breath, what's the point of this line?

*It sounds like an omniscient narrator when you announce Gabriel had his first thought.

*A couple typos, "him" and "and."

*Does Gabriel really not know what the word "alive" means? If he knows the precise temperature, surely he has access to an internal dictionary or something.

*So Gabriel's programmed with emotions at the outset (as opposed to them being learned?) It's a cool idea, and I hope you'll be exploring it more.

Plot Character Motivation

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whatdoyouneed rated this work:

Nov. 12, 2019, 11:55 a.m.

I love how you balance the robot and human elements of this character. My favorite line was "Part of him knew the precise temperature was -10C, or 14F, or 263.15 Kelvin, but all that mattered was that he didn't like it at all," it really encapsulates how you combine the objective and measurable way that a robot might see the world with the subjective feelings a person would have.

Point of View

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