After Humanity---03: Unknown Comprehension

July 27, 2019
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”Hold still, you’re messing up the pattern.”


An old man, perhaps in his late forties, constantly wrapped what performed as bandages. The person he wrapped the cloth upon had the form of a child, kicking their feet gently off the bed, in which it sat. As it turned a page from the novel it was currently reading, it moved some silver hair, in which intertwined with black hair, behind its ear.


With a sigh, the child opened its mouth,


“I don’t see why my rags need to be changed when it’s not bleeding out.”


The old man smiled before tying up the last piece of cloth behind the child’s head whilst saying,


“They’re called ‘bandages’. Not rags, Arthur. And you don’t have a condition that involves bleeding but…” He trails off as he stretches across the bed for a lavender hand-mirror.  He held it up in ‘Arthur’s’ face, accidentally shining some light in the child’s eyes.


“You do have a condition with your skin. What do you think?”


Blinking its eyes a few times, Arthur squinted its russet eyes as it took the mirror from the elder. As it twirled the black ends of its white hair, the child stared at its reflection. It stared at its frail and slender form, which demonstrated a womanly aspect, yet there was also a possibility that it could be otherwise.


The child released the strands of hair it held and replaced their hands on their on the bits of flesh that weren’t damaged.


“It looks like you wrapped up a living sticky-tape.” Arthur says, frowning at itself.


“Oh come now,” Began the old man, taking back the mirror. “It’s just a little shedding. Nothing too critical…” However, the juvenile rolled its eyes and


“That’s what you always say…”




Snapping its eyes open, the automaton’s breath quickened as it stared at the starry night above in panic. The calming sound of crickets and the wind appeased the robot who had already sat up. The location appeared to be some unfortunate town subjugated by weeds and fungus. You could tell by the large pieces of buildings scattered around the cyborg, as well as how the dregs remained a concrete platform in the area.


Despite the area appearing like a safe zone, it still was hazardous to linger under the night sky. Especially with aliens constantly at its tail. While mindful of this, the cyborg narrowed its eyes at the sky above, remembering the dream it had.


‘Professor…Donald E. Kemper. Why do I know that name? Why was I in the form of a mortal? A child, at that.’


The automaton stood up from the ground and decided to examine the area further. It glanced at the corner of its eye, to commence the operation.





























































Moving its fingers in contemplation, the being scrolled down to the second option. It should be concerned about the whole “computer-in-the-brain” thing; however, it felt as if it was normal. The reason, it didn’t know. Only that the automaton understood the sequences of the software it was currently inhabiting and powering.

























A blue blaze came from the being and spread in all directions, until the blue hue couldn’t be seen to any further extent. Information spammed the cyborg’s mind, fulfilling its head up with data of any existence notable. Scrolling down the list of organisms and places it could go to, it stumbled upon a hyperlink along with the words “Hidden Base”.


‘I have not seen any constructions of any type here. Why would there be one still standing?’


Selecting the link, the cyborg began strolling towards the location of this ‘base’.


Glaring white irises stared at the back of the automaton; high-pitched crooning and growls clawed at the tree it hid behind. The black figure slithered quickly towards the woods in the opposite direction…


The Remnants will soon have their planet back.





(Arthur's Note: Thank you for reading and for the criticism. I honestly appreciate it! :D I am hurrying to finish this book so I'm posting as little as possible until I'm actually sure I have it all together. Though I am done with several chapters. Anyways, I hope this was a little better to comprehend. 

Thank you.



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Think some more about the POV.
naricorn rated this work:

July 30, 2019, 11:42 a.m.

Read the author's note--you're welcome for the criticism! Always happy to help. I'm glad that you're taking feedback and making sure you post things you've thought through and worked hard on.

*The paragraph that starts with "An old man" is unnecessarily confusing. I get the sense that the flashback is supposed to be mysterious, but it gets wordy and obscures my visualization. "What performed as bandages," for example, could just be "bandage" or cloth. "The form of a child?" Why not just child? If the point is that the child isn't really a child, you could pepper incongruities throughout (which would be more mysterious and interesting.)

*The child has a womanly aspect? This read strangely to me.

*Stick to one pronoun--you use "it" and "they" for the child in places.

*In the "snapping its eyes open" paragraph, not a huge deal, but you could improve it with some show-don't-tell. You wouldn't need "in panic" if you've already shown its breath quickening and eyes snapping open. The calming sound appeases the robot? Does its breath slow?

*I'm not a fan of characters thinking to themselves, personally, because it often seems forced. But you don't do it too often.

*I think I commented about the color/formatting in a previous chapter, but I love it! Really makes the piece stand out.

*I wonder if you could do something about the narrator. The POV seems to be following the cyborg yet removed from it, as there are comments like "it SHOULD have known" or "you could tell by the large pieces of buildings." Think about the purpose of keeping a POV distance and whether that's necessary for your story.

Point of View Show Don't Tell

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things are picking up!
van rated this work:

Aug. 4, 2019, 5:02 p.m.

Yay, you're back!
We finally get to learn why the child was called "it." So exciting. The mystery builds on (in a good way). And I understand now why you use "it" instead of "they." Makes sense because the child isn't technically human.
Some sentences have awkward wording, like "fulfilling its head up with data of any existence notable." Make it clearer and more concise by saying something like "filling its head with notable data." Another example is "wrapped what performed as bandages" so...they're not bandages? What are they, then? I suggest simply saying bandages, especially since the old man says they're bandages and aren't rags.
Who's POV is this? It mostly feels like the robot's, but there's parts that cut to the beast's thinking or some other omniscient narrator, which leaves me a little disoriented.
You're right-- this *is* easier to comprehend! I finally feel like I have a grasp of the world and what's kind of going on. The story is closer to that balance of intrigue but not confusion. The pacing is good, and the story is interesting. I'm excited to see what's going to happen next.

Pacing Sentence Structure Concision

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