Adventure Fantasy


Aug. 27, 2019
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Average Rating: 2.25
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PROLOGUE Long ago, in a far away land covered in a mist amongst valleys, mountains and endless evergreen woodland, lived two great kingdoms ruled by powerful, wise kings. In the far South, stood the Kingdom of Laymeth, governed by King Edward. The Northern part of the land was dominated by King Collin, known as the Kingdom of Caldwell. Both realms dwelled in harmony, having made a strong alliance and friendship. Never have the inhabitants of either empire shown superiority to the other. After King Edward turned fifty years of age, he had a son, who was given the name: James. The whole kingdom merrily celebrated upon the arrival of their new prince and follower of the throne. The townsfolk’s music could be heard far off into the wild countryside, spreading news of joy to the corners of the border. Many years after, on the same month, the March days brought another child into the world: Norman, King Edward’s nephew. Upon giving birth to her son, Norman’s mother died, leaving her heir an orphan; his father, Prince Audric, had died long before the child was visible within her. The boy grew up reckless, demanding that everyone pity him as he didn’t have parents. But the elderly King Edward resisted, planning to raise the child with the morality and manners that of a royal heir. Yet, the boy surpassed the King’s expectations, and not in the best way possible. Not only did he get worse as he aged, his vicious-self harmed his cousin, Prince James. Years passed and the royalty of the Kingdom of Laymeth was most certainly not the only land in suffering. Caldwell slowly began to experience drought sweeping upon their land, and their need for aid has drastically escaladed. Laying on his deathbed awaiting his demise, King Collin gave way for his eldest son to step next unto the throne: Denvard. Being the compassionate and kind man he was, the new King of Caldwell dispatched his trusted ambassadors to request Laymeth for resources. But upon getting to the Kingdom, Denvard’s ambassadors came to find a dying King Edward, pondering on who should be next to take his place as ruler. Since Norman was no match to be king, Edward decided to coronate his son, James. With his last strength, he signed the document for his son, who was then thirty-five years old. Norman was outraged, as he believed that he would make a better king for the land. Yet he remained to live in the castle, awaiting until the old King passes away, to fulfill his villainous plan. Two days prior to the coronation, King Edward meets his death. On the day of the Prince’s coronation, Norman decides to poison him, believing that if the first royal heir is killed, the only next descendant would be him, for he is the closest relative. With the cruel plan on his mind, Norman comes to the coronation banquet, awaiting until James drinks from the deadly cup. His plan fulfills and the night ends in shocked gasps and dreadful cries from the crowd. The very next day, Norman was coronated, giving rise to the claim that the King died due to a heart attack. With the whole empire in utter distress, the King plans to take over more land to prove his dominative potential. As the barbaric monarch takes over the boarding nations, his son, Prince Burne, is forced to watch the victorious overthrow. Along with him was Prince Sebastian, James’s only son who is hated by the ruling family. As the two boys see King Norman’s violent and treacherous tactics, they too become infused with violence and severity. The King does not hesitate to overthrow Caldwell, as they became weaker and more vulnerable due to the drought. Two month following Norman’s first conquest, Prince Sebastian went missing, and was later reported dead by the guards of Laymeth. It was now a struggle for Caldwell to survive, for they depended on Laymeth’s wicked ruler. Many towns have been captured and many families killed, only for the reason of Norman’s desire for power. Many pondered on what could possibly induce fear within the Monarch yet failed to come up with a possible answer. But only one being new the reply to the widespread question, that person being the unbreakable Ruler himself. There was only one answer to the question, for the Mighty King trembled before one discrete thought of it. That fear being Voyants.

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Concept is there, needs a few read-throughs
dvillene rated this work:

Aug. 28, 2019, 1:28 p.m.

- inconsistent characterization: Elaine describes quite prolifically how much she can't stand her job, yet also says she "entered the castle gates with an open mind, ready for work." It seems her mindset is much stronger and more positive here than the usual "dull, dark view" she says she has. I think I would find Elaine more compelling as either the angsty and "unwillingly got up from bed" Elaine or the calm, open-minded, and appreciative "peaceful atmosphere of the morning is with no doubt, my favorite part of the day," Elaine. The switching back and forth of tone from Elaine makes it difficult for me to understand her or grasp her motivations as a character.
- paragraph construction: you frequently place too many ideas in too few paragraphs. For instance, there is a paragraph where Elaine talks about her fear of abandonment, entering the castle, and the inside of an equipment room. Each of these ideas should be separated into their own paragraphs. There are plenty of places in the longer sections that would make good paragraph breaks.
- commas: Longer sentences split by commas may feel like better prose, but be careful not to overuse them. Some sentences can be written another way to avoid excessive comma reliance. For example, "In the story, I could be anything I wish to be, whether it be an enchantress, a queen, or even a knight on a quest for justice," can be written as: "I can be anything I wish to be in a story: an enchantress, a queen, or a knight on a quest for justice." Often simpler sentence structure helps ideas flow better for the reader and make for better prose.
- Imagery: It feels like you're trying to write all the images and scenes that you imagine as you live the day through Elaine's eyes. It's a great starting point, and you have tons of material to work with, but it's equally important, if not more, to start cutting extraneous details. The chill that Elaine feels around the castle as she's being watched should be kept, as it will probably become an important plot detail further down the line. Elaine grabbing her broom and Rebecca holding the door for her can probably be omitted or shortened significantly to get to the more important events faster. I also think some of Elaine's brooding and angsty thoughts can be shortened or eliminated to distract less from the rest of the scene. Obviously the amount of Elaine's thoughts and history you choose to include should feel like the right amount to you, just beware of over-writing.
- I'm a huge fan of world-building and reading about the unique and creative universes that people come up, and I was excited to see tons of good ideas and potential in your work. I think you should read through the piece a few more times to clean it up, though, with a focus on sentence structure, paragraph composition, and important details.

Thanks for the read!

Pacing Character Motivation Sentence Structure

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Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it! I'll look through my story more:)


Thank you for your feedback, I really appreciate it! I'll look through my story more:)

there is a lot going on
oddone rated this work:

April 8, 2020, 12:16 a.m.

there is a lot going on in this prologue that I feel could have been extended into its own full story. Even the first sentence is so jam-packed with info that it bogs down the ease of slipping into your story.
I'm guessing this was mostly an info dump to get the reader prepared for the meat of the story but as a prologue, which I've heard has become outdated nowadays, maybe consider if the prologue is absolutely essential to the story or if the info could be conveyed through character action and dialogue instead. Feed the info to the reader in shorter chunks of narrativization because I felt myself disengaging with your story halfway through.

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