Adventure Fantasy

She who bears the Mark- Prologue

Aug. 28, 2019
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Average Rating: 3.25
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    Serephia ran out to join her Mother and Father in the Willow Labrynth, but stopped short when she saw the handsome companion with them. A smile made its way onto her face, lips curling, and she could not help the flush of heat that found her cheeks at the sight of the man with whom her parents strolled.

    With all the speed she could muster, Serephia ran after them, and laughed when Moy'rain turned and his strong arms were put out for her. She ran into his waiting embrace, and giggled as he twirled them round and round.

    Her Father and Mother, the King and Queen, looked on with joy twinkling in their eyes at the reminder of how glorious it was to be young and in love. Once they looked at eachother, it was as if no time had passed between them and they themselves were young again.


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manaaar. rated this work:

Sept. 1, 2019, 8:12 p.m.

while it's very short, you've seemed to introduce four characters in a tiny span of words, which i think is a great feat! i'm interested to read more.

a small grammar note that's already been reviewed but i'm going to touch on it anyway - 'in a feminine way' is a little bit wordy considering we can see her lips curling fine without the extra description.

i hope this helped! <3 manar


Comment Rating: 4.0

dvillene rated this work:

Aug. 28, 2019, 1:43 p.m.

Reading the sentence, "A smile made it's way onto her face; lips curled in a feminine way, and she could not help the flush of heat that found her cheeks at the sight of the man with whom her parents strolled," I found a couple of things.
- I think the 'flush of heat that found her cheeks allows me to feel her exhilaration at the sight of this man strolling with her parents, but that the 'lips curled in a feminine way' sounded odd to me. I think you can drop 'in a feminine way 'and the reader will picture her lips curling just fine.
- I also found the semicolon to be unnecessary, I think a comma would suffice. It seems as if you're listing her three reactions: smiling, curling her lips, and her flushed cheeks, which would indicate using a comma.

In the next paragraph it says "giggled with exhilaration," which I think is telling and not showing in a similar manner to feminine way of the first paragraph. Serephina giggling in Moy'rain's arms and her flushed cheeks from before imply exhilaration without the need to say it explicitly.

I titled this comment 'More?' because that's just what I'm asking for. You've created at least four characters and shown several of their relationships in so few sentences, I'd be excited to see where you take this. It's also easier to leave more helpful comments on slightly longer pieces.

Thanks for the read!

Plot Show Don't Tell

Comment Rating: 4.0

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Thank you so much for the constructive criticism. I too struggled with the"in a feminine way" part of that sentence, so thank you for the confirmation! I have edited the prologue as you suggested, and am much more satified. I will be looking forward to your reaction as I upload new chapters.
Have a great day!

gamila.walrus rated this work:

March 23, 2020, 7:17 p.m.

Interesting, but a little too short. Don't quite see the point of the scene because it conveys so little information but it is a sweet moment.

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Needs more of a hook
missmansanas rated this work:

Jan. 6, 2020, 5:01 a.m.

I think you'd benefit from following the tone of your title "She who bears the mark." It's what made me click: it's mysterious, intriguing and clear. This prologue introduces a tone already: it's joyful, warm and loving, but I wish it told me more. I wish it intrigued me enough to look for the next chapter right away. An active voice plus more concise sentences would do wonders to your okay start.

Pacing Sentence Structure Concision

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