Nov. 21, 2019
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I know that I’m not the best with words or people and that a lot of times I put too much faith in those around me

I know I can’t just expect you to understand the truth or depth of my words when I say I forgive you, even when you don’t know what for.

And I may not be the best artist but let me paint you a picture

Of my last four years with you.

Freshman year I was figuring out how to deal with living, how to balance depression with a weak will to live

It was the year I put my toes in the sand, just barely letting the waves lap over my ankles.

Sophomore year I had to learn how to deal with love, had to adapt to it and let it blend with friendship in a way that provided a stable harmony until it didn’t anymore

It was the year I took that first step into the water, felt the rhythmic pull of her waves at my knees and had to stand rigid against the lull so I didn’t dive right in.

Junior year I had to morph into something unlike myself and truer to myself than I’d been since I was seven years old.

It was one one of the worst and best years of my life as I fought heartbreak of a new kind and built a new form of love for life.

I was chest deep and felt the spray of life at my throat like fingers,

As droplets felt like bruises and a riptide dragged me further in.

I’ve always been a good swimmer but the sea is as merciless as she is nurturing.

This is my last year of highschool and while I’m nowhere near the same person I was freshman year,

Why do I still feel like I’m eight years old some nights?

Scared and alone and worthless and sometimes

I feel like I’m drowning in the experiences life has given me

And other days I feel like I’m floating, looking up, serene,

As clouds form shapes in the sky.

I’m in the middle of the ocean and though I can’t see land I’m not lost.

I’m searching.

And you’ve been the fish and mammals that breach and come up to breathe and give me small experiences along the ride, and I’m still searching.

And you’ve been the sharks that keep me up at night

Filled with anxiety as I try to figure out how to deal with the current you caused, and I’m still searching.

And you’ve been the eye and the hurricane in equal parts as you unknowingly threw me below the surface and put water in my lungs

And gave me just enough time to learn my strengths, and I’m still searching

For a way to show you everything you’ve put me through and I don’t think words will do it justice.

Because as much as you’ve pulled me under you’ve also lifted me back up,

And I don’t think I can thank you enough for putting me through the shit that you have

Because otherwise I wouldn’t know what it means to breathe air and not choke.

And I wouldn’t feel proud to stand here today instead of letting the fish pick me apart bit by bit,

Decayed and lost below the surf to the struggle life gives,

Because the ocean is as merciless as she is nurturing

And it’s taken me the better part of eighteen years to see that with each crest comes a trough

And I know how to swim stronger than I did at eight

Thank you for teaching me.

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