Susan and her Crush

Dec. 6, 2019
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Average Rating: 3.0
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The woman walks in the door. She is beautiful. She is tall and does not wear make up. She walks in with a mix of purpose and fatigue. Her blue sun dress sticks to the back of thighs as she enters her house. She sets her laundry hamper down on the kitchen counter, its a wicker basket the size of her torso.

She peers out of the window above her kitchen sink. The man is walking out of his front door towards his car parked in front of his house. He is handsome. His hair is combed over in a very professional manner. He has a constant five o’clock shadow. He wears a shirt and a pair of worn jeans. She looks in awe - she often peers outside to watch him and later dreams of them being together.

He sits in his car and sets his phone in the cupholder and stares straight ahead in no rush to start his car. She is in awe. She wants to know what he is thinking in that moment before he starts the car’s engine. Susan hopes that he is thinking of her - getting coffee with her, sitting on the park bench together, texting her good morning messages.

Susan knows very little about him. She pulls out a magazine from a drawer. Car & Driver. A red sports car is on the cover. It is dated April 2019, it is now May 22, 2019. It is addressed to Wyatt Earp. It was intended for her admired neighbor, but it ended up her mailbox. She was excited when it first came. Now it is a source of agony and anxiety. Every time she is reminded of it she is filled with a mix of optimism and then a flush of pain - a reminder that like so many problems in her life she is unable to speak up and go after what she wants. She wants Wyatt. She has the perfect in to start a conversation with him. Yet, something deep down inside of her pull her back and prevents her from being with him. She does not know if Wyatt has ever noticed her. She does not know if he is seeing some one else. For all she knows he could have a wife and kids and is just one of those guys who does not wear a wedding ring or … or he could be gay … or hate brunettes like herself. These thoughts often race through her head. She tells herself that they are not sensible.

Wyatt is still sitting in his car. He is looking down at his phone. He makes facial expressions of happiness every few seconds as he flips through his news feed. Susan imagines they like the same memes. Deep fried memes. The kind that don’t make any sense nor try to. The kind that her parents see her looking at when she visits on Thanksgiving and they shake their heads in bewilderment.

She snaps out of her delusion and decides to do it. She is going to talk to Wyatt. She clutches the magazine. Her hands are shaking and her knuckles are white. “Hey, this got mailed to me by accident. It is kind of late, but late is better than never.” Her voice is shaky. She practices again. “Hey I don’t know if you were looking for this, but it got mailed to me a while ago. Here you go.” Her voice is still shaky. “Hey this is yours I believe, I go—”. The engine turns on. She frantically runs out of the door making sure she gives it back to him now before he leaves. She knows that it has taken her whole life to build up the courage to talk to a crush and if she doesn’t do it now she will never be able to. She sprints down her drive way, then slows down and walks at normal pace when she gets in eye shot of him. She knocks on his driver side window a littler harder than she expected because of her nerves. He looks at her bewildered, she is nervous but feels good about the fact that he is looking at her and not repulsed.

“Hey this gotmailedtome, not sure if it’s your’s butithasbeen sitting in my kitchen. Hereyougo.”

She flings it his on my lap and frantically turns around.

“Ummm this actually isn’t mine. Wyatt is the guy who lives across from you. But thanks, I appreciate the gesture.” He smiles.

“Oooohhh so sorry about that.” She melts a little and blushes.

“You live over there.” Pointing to her house.

“Yup that is my house.”

“Cool. I think I have seen you around before. You’re the one who always forgets to bring in the garbage can.” He says flirtatiously.

“Yup, that is me.” She smiles uncontrollably. “Hey I don’t know if you have checked it out but there is a new coffee shop next to the park down the road. If you are free tomorrow we should check it out.” She blurts out. Her nerves have subsided and replaced with fear. She feels exposed. She is terrified of being vulnerable and not being reciprocated.

He smiles at her and deliberates the offer for a moment. “Sorry I actually have a girlfriend and we are working through some things, so I am not sure she would like that.” He lets her down easy.

She smiles. “Ok thanks, have a good one.” She turns and walks back to her house as he drives away. She does not know what to think. She wishes that he had said yes, but at the same time she feels good that she found the courage to ask. She finds herself smiling uncontrollably as she walks in her front door. She feels good about herself. She knows one day her future self will thank her.

 


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oc rated this work:

Dec. 20, 2019, 8:30 a.m.

I think you should really commit to a perspective in this story. It seems like you want to make it Susan's POV, but the beginning reads weirdly because it feels like we're an observer of her. In that sense, describing her as "beautiful, tall," and not wearing makeup, wearing a sundress that "sticks to the back of thighs" doesn't really fit.

Her descriptions of the man, though, would then be fine. I am curious why she's so obsessed with him if she doesn't know anything about him. What's lacking in her life, and is this a weakness of hers? Has this happened before?

"Facial expressions of happiness" - vague. What do they look like? What are deep fried memes? I kind of get what you're going for but also not relaly.

Why does she decide to do it? I don't see a believable trigger, if she's kept herself from approaching him up til now.

Forgets to bring in the garbage can? Like forgets to dump it? Does she come too late for the truck?

It's a sweet story, and I definitely sympathize for the protagonist. She's charming in a way. This story has potential but could definitely use more fleshing out (: Good luck!

Point of View Character Motivation

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I had trouble getting invested
whatdoyouneed rated this work:

Dec. 20, 2019, 10 a.m.

Don't be afraid to use contractions here and there, especially in your dialogue. Without them, the narration seems a bit stilted and the characters manner of speaking doesn't really resemble how an ordinary person would talk.
The ending would have packed more of a punch if you'd built more tension. How long has Susan been interested this man? Been living in this house? What else is going on in her life? The more we know about how much she's invested in this crush, if only in her head, the more impact it has when we realize she doesn't even know his name.
Some of your description isn't necessary and doesn't really add anything to the story. " She is beautiful. She is tall and does not wear make up" doesn't give too distinct a mental image.
The last four sentences are too much telling instead of showing. They could be condensed and still convey that Susan is happy despite her ostensible failure because she mustered the courage to try.

Show Don't Tell Dialogue Diction

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