Beneath

June 11, 2020
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Average Rating: 4.0
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Beneath the light of the forest,

Something waits.

Some are as old as the forest itself,

Some older.

 


Beneath the last rays of light,

Something wakens.

Shadow fingers reach across the forest floor .

Beckoning.

 


Beneath the darkness in the forest,

Something rises.

Misty forms swirl into being.

Faceless, mindless.

 


Beneath the silence of the forest,

Hungry ghosts moan, 

Longing for redemption,

Destined to eternal suffering.


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Beautiful prose, lacking in message.
samuel.weiss rated this work:

June 13, 2020, 11:41 p.m.

Outstanding sense of repetition and variations on the first line of the poem. However, be sure that your punctuation matches (Stanza 1, 2, and 3 line 2 has a period, Stanza 4 line 2 does not). Even more so, the last stanza feels like a trite let down, a stereotypical delivery of what has been promised by the last few lines. Now a modifier here (ghosts of regrets) could lend a whole new layer of meaning, turning the forest from a place into a symbol of uncertainty. Or you could just write about ghosts.

Comment Rating: 5.0

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lgghosts:

Interesting. I re-read it and see what you mean about wanting more after the buildup.
Thank you. It gives me something to think about.