Journey to the Unknown Land pt. 1

July 4, 2020
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Growing up in this city, we were all told never to go near the line southwest of our town, or risk
being punished. Not much people had known its story, or what does it looks like, we just know that it
was a dangerous place to go to. Generations after generations, the people have believed in this. At
least before me and my friend, Emily decided to find this mysterious line in the unknown land in the southwest.
The autumn breeze blew, and it was already after dark.  I snuck out of my window and quietly tiptoed
out of town, trying not to wake anyone. I was trembling, not from the cold, but from deep inside.

"Hey!" I whispered as I carefully climbed into Emily's room through the window. "Let's get going." We scrambled to the outskirt of the town. As we walked out of town, darkness filled. There was no lamps, just the moon, and us. Shadows are dancing all around, some fallen leaves fell on my face, and onto the floor. Dried leaves crumbled under my feet. We were moving slowly, yet steadily.

" Alyssa, I'm tired. Can we stop now?" said Emily. And so we stopped for a rest. I just felt hopeless. I should have stayed home. I don’t know what to do.

In the far distance, there was something. I looked at my map, the line should be near. we pull ourselves
together again and ran towards that direction. I crashed into a glass wall. Inside was shadows and eyes. My
hand started to sweat. What now. There are real monsters in there.
I breathe heavily, trying to piece together all the information I knew. Howls of the unknown creatures
broke the silence. I step back slowly and grabbed Emily's hand, then ran as fast as I can. 

I told her "We'll come back another day."

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Build more tension, flesh out your characters and setting more
whatdoyouneed rated this work:

July 29, 2020, 9:42 p.m.

It seems like you're trying to build anticipation about this forbidden place to the southwest of the city. You don't want to give too much away, but you also want to orient the reader and build some atmosphere. You mention "our city". Where is this city? Is it a fantasy setting? A futuristic one? A dystopia? You don't give much description of this city or what the characters encounter in this off-limits southwest. We know it's autumn, but we don't know what autumn is like in this place: it could be a place where the fall is relatively warm, or one of those where it's absolutely freezing. What was it like to grow up there? How was this prohibition on going to the southwest enforced? Were there other things that people just avoided because they were told? Is this a place where people don't question authority? Did something happen in this city to make people fear the southwest? Your story would benefit from some more description/imagery.
Why do Alyssa and Emily want to go to this place? Are they just generally rebellious? Or are they after something specific? We know that going to this place carries with it the possibility of punishment. It could be helpful to give us some clues about why these two characters are willing to take that risk, to show more of your characters' personalities to get your readers invested.
There are also some issues with grammar, like in the first paragraph: "Not much people had known its story, or what does it looks like, we just know that it was a dangerous place to go to." It should be "not many people".
The dialogue at the end doesn't seem to fit. "We'll come back another day" sounds like the sort of thing you'd say when a movie you want to see is sold out, not when you've seen something as horrifying as what these two characters have witnessed. Why would they want to return? This goes back to my question about what draws them there in the first place.
This is only part one, though. Maybe there will be more answers in part two!

Plot Setting Character Motivation Dialogue Grammar Sentence Structure

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