Drama Hurt/Comfort

Blueberry Bonds

Dec. 3, 2018
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Average Rating: 2.9
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When she heard the smack, Emmie stood up quickly, facing the back wall. Uncooked blueberry pie sludged toward the floor. She turned and saw her grandmother holding a piece of paper, every wrinkle on her face whiter than ever. “What on earth?” Emmie asked. Her grandmother only baked pies — especially blueberry — when she was happy. Wasting one, destroying happiness the shade of purple, was an act of sacrilege. “Your…. Mother….” She spat the words. Emmie’s mother had left with her new boyfriend six weeks earlier, right before school let out for summer. She and Emmie lived with her grandmother in the apartment above the bakery, so what was supposed to be a two-week vacation, wasn’t particularly noteworthy. And, this kind of thing had happened before — with Jake then Alan then Peter then another whose name escaped her. Every night, her grandmother took a small bourbon to the bedroom to read trashy magazines. Emmie fell asleep hearing her grandmother’s echoing refrain of: “what on earth?!” and “who comes up with this stuff?” At least something was constant. “What about my mother?” Emmie knew that if something serious had happened, a police officer would have told them the grisly news in-person. “She’s not right in the head.” “Well, we’ve known that for a while.” Emmie giggled, trying to lighten the mood. What was it? Was she pregnant? Out of money? Deserted? “They’re staying in Arizona.” Silence enveloped them. Surely her mother would ask Emmie to join them in Arizona. She loved her grandmother, but she wanted her mom. Well, not the mom she had, but the mom that Emmie believed with all her might would return and would love her if she was good enough. She had even lost the last ten pounds of baby fat her mother always nagged about. “You’re staying with me.” “Can I read it?” Emmie whispered, her hand extended. “No.” “But it’s from my mom!” “No child should have to read a letter like this. You and I know both know that she loves you. She does. She just doesn’t show it well.” Emmie’s hand rested near another pie. She threw it at her grandmother’s face. Raw blueberry filling and wet pie dough spattered her grandmother, seeping into the white wrinkles of her face and the white fibers of her t-shirt. “I want to read it!” She grabbed the letter and instantly registered her mom’s large, loopy handwriting. She knew her mom must be having one of her spells because she had three types of writing, and Emmie had learned early how to decode her mother’s mental state from each of them. Mom, Rex and I have found jobs and an apartment here. I wasn’t ever fit to be a mother, and I’m not going to do it anymore. Emmie’s yours. Do a better job with her than you did with your own. And get her to lose some weight, will you? Tell her to have a good sophomore year. Probably think it’s best for us to not talk for a while. Emmie ran along the silver counter, pushing fourteen pies onto the pristine bakery floor. Her grandmother knelt and cradled Emmie as they sat in a puddle of blueberries. The letter fell into the filling. Emmie picked it up and tore it, relishing the sounds of squidgy blueberry slop and the crisp, angular ripping of paper. “I wasn’t much of a mother to yours, or to your uncle, but you and I – we’ll get through just fine. We’ll figure it out,” her grandmother said, standing up and handing Emmie a mop. She grabbed a towel, rubbed blueberry off her face, and headed upstairs to change. When she returned, Emmie was still sitting on the floor in a pool of pie filling, staring at a wall. “Hun, mop up this mess and go change. You’re needed out front.” “Needed?” Ellie thought. “Oh yes, the bakery.” She stood up, and did as her grandmother instructed. “I’m needed. I’m needed. I’m needed,” she repeated in her head, over and over. As long as she was needed, she could keep moving. Every customer that day wanted to take home a pie. They were the bakery’s specialty after all. Each time Emmie said, “we’re fresh all out today. Maybe next week,” hoping that maybe by next week they’d be up for making blueberry pies. Then again, maybe they’d smash those, too.

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Quaint little piece
naricorn rated this work:

Dec. 4, 2018, 12:55 p.m.

I thought this was a quaint, sweet story. "Happiness the shade of purple" is a wonderful phrase!

I do think this piece could use some more development. I like the length of the piece, but you could add subtle descriptions of her grandmother and Emmie, for example, so that we know each of them more deeply. You tell us that Emmie loves her grandmother, but you could also show us. What has her grandmother done for Emmie? Does she have fond memories? How does her grandmother feel about Emmie? The dialogue, especially "no child should have to read a letter like this," doesn't feel natural in spots. I don't think that sounds like something you'd say to a child.

Her grandma's resolution at the end thus feels a bit rushed. The conflict hadn't started building much before you just drop in that she hadn't been a good mom to Emmie's mom but that everything would be okay. There either needs to be more foundation in the beginning or more conflict (or both) for us to connect more to your characters. Loved the last line, by the way.

Comment Rating: 4.0

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Needs paragraph separations
KatieWenn rated this work:

Feb. 21, 2019, 10 p.m.

This is a really touching story that evokes a lot of feeling and empathy but:

The story needs paragraph separations, especially for the dialogue. I was a little bit confused at first on this part:
“No.” “But it’s from my mom!” “No child should have to read a letter like this. You and I know both know that she loves you. She does. She just doesn’t show it well.”
I had to reread this ^^ section a few times to understand the back and forth of the dialogue.

Also, I would add a sentence about what the mother's mental state is from the writing after this sentence, just to clarify
..."knew her mom must be having one of her spells because she had three types of writing, ....how to decode her mother’s mental state from each of them." <insert what mental state she is perceived to be in>

Other than these two points, the story is off to a great start!

Pacing

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Tender and Gently Heartbreaking
haeun_logos rated this work:

March 1, 2019, 11:37 p.m.

I have very little complaints about your work - fantastic writing! The symbolism of the blueberry pie as happiness and relationship is so nuanced and poetic. It's very beautiful. That last line, "Then again, maybe they'd smash those, too." How fragile our human relationships are, aren't they?

You fill out the setting and the plot very nicely - I sense Emmie's discontent with both her grandmother and her mother, as well as her longing for intimacy and closeness, very well. You use the actions of characters to tell the story rather than, "She was sad." "She was angry." I really love that.

One thing I would add is to add spaces for paragraphs, so it flows better. And there are minute grammar errors here and there, but that can be easily fixed with proofreading.

I feel you can also be a bit more concise, but that might just be my personal taste.

Fantastic.

Plot Setting Pacing Voice Show Don't Tell Originality Dialogue Diction Grammar Sentence Structure Concision

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Reformat and re-submit
cereed27 rated this work:

June 27, 2019, 7:38 p.m.

When submitting work for review, not using paragraphs is like going to your wedding in cut-off jeans. Some short fiction can get by without paragraphs if that format supports the narrative, but from what I read of "Blueberry," paragraphs are needed. Unfortunately, due to its structure, I couldn't make sense of the writing.

Other things to work on: comma usage, punctuation norms.

Grammar Sentence Structure

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