Hurt/Comfort

The Dark Elaborated

Dec. 7, 2018
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Average Rating: 1.38
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The Dark Elaborated 12-6-18 I feel like a star that flickered away Forgotten about during the day Never looked at, lost amongst other stars Never a wish taken as it flys across the sky Just taken for granted as it passes by I feel like a sun that cannot shine during the day Covered by the clouds, dark and gray Missed during those moments that day Forgotten about until there is rain Never really understood its potency And all it does and have done There is the moon and there is the sun. It’s hard to know light when there isn’t darkness. I feel like a bird with wings that cannot fly Trying to take flight in the darkened sky As it is supposed to do and to be But it’s different; that’s what others see And it feels left out and alone I tried to be better, its just too late Maybe it signed, its sealed this fate I just wanted to be me and only me And that you would love what you feel and see I’m sorry for what I am I never wanted to do anything wrong I just really, only wanted to belong The only mistake is I can’t love enough And that makes it tough Because I loved you the best I could It must have not been right I’m sorry I caused this fight I’m tired of being alone Nobody to talk to on the phone You were my only friend And now it’s over; it’s the end I’m tired of being in this pain Its like the same story over again Please, please don’t leave me here This is my greatest fear. But we both knew the end was near To me, you were so dear You knew this is not the journey I wanted to embark I am scared of the dark.

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rhyming is not necessary
hadiyyyah rated this work:

Feb. 10, 2019, 2:14 p.m.

In some cases, punctuation is used, and in other places, it's not. I don't really see a justification for this. The format of this poem is interesting, and I see that it's trying to get across a stream of consciousness vibe, but it gets hard to read. I would also avoid rhyming at the end, "but we both knew the end was near..." because it takes away from the pain. Rhyming can across as low-brow or middle-grade, and that mismatches the tone of this piece.

I think this could be improved with line breaks and less rhyming. I would also suggest making use of imagery in this poem. A lot of the emotions are clearly spelled out through words and the telling of feelings. The cloud imagery is good, but try to think of more original ways to show sadness. Maybe think about color and shapes and how these evoke these feelings of loss in the body and mind of the poem's subject.

Conflict Voice Cliches Show Don't Tell Originality Grammar

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Too Convoluted - Needs to be Shorter
haeun_logos rated this work:

March 1, 2019, 11:30 p.m.

A lot of what you're saying is powerful and emotive - however, a lot of it is blunted BECAUSE it rhymes. The focus becomes less on the words and more so how they interact with each other - which is something I think does less for you.

I also think that a lot of your imagery falls into cliche - you might find it helpful to intentionally not rhyme!

Also, I'm commenting on your original The Dark, so I have more comments there.

Plot Setting Pacing Point of View Conflict Voice Cliches Show Don't Tell Originality Passive Character Character Motivation Dialogue Diction Grammar Sentence Structure Concision

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Hard to read without white space
alxarden rated this work:

April 3, 2019, 12:26 p.m.

I like the whole rhyming thing, but hard to read due to lack of white space. Keep trying!

Originality

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White space
metafrick rated this work:

Feb. 22, 2019, 5:38 a.m.

At first glance, this poem is really hard to read without adequate spacing. There is no consistent punctuation or capitalization to distinguish between lines, so it makes it hard to read, both on the eyes and in terms of following the voice. I would recommend a better use of space and stanza and line breaks, because otherwise it is too hard to follow.

In terms of subject matter, the poem starts out as more abstract but gets very direct as it progresses. Lines like " The only mistake is I can’t love enough" lower the appeal of the poem and come across as a bit juvenile in comparison to the beginning. The poem could be divided into 2: from the abstract beginning and then the direct ending. I recommend just choosing one, or else combining them together, because right now it does not have a solid flow.

i like the last line "I am scared of the dark" because it relates to the title and the beginning of the poem, but this imagery is lost in the middle. Keeping this image alive during the poem would make it a lot stronger and keep it from falling into cliche.

Pacing Originality Sentence Structure

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